Flirting With Guard Number Three
by Marginal Benefits
Summary: During a summer vacation to London with Ron and Hermione, Harry finds himself entranced by one of the guards at Buckingham Palace. Is there anything he can do to get the handsome man's attention? And phone number? AU Snarry OOCness slash **COMPLETE**
1. Chapter 1

"Old people at weddings always poke me and say 'You're next.' So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

Hermione Granger, one of Harry's best friends, merely rolled her eyes. "You have been at this for an hour now, Harry. Can we please move on," the curly-haired girl pleaded, looking to her boyfriend for backup.

Unfortunately, said boyfriend was too busy laughing at his mate to pick up on the cue. After recovering from a swift blow to the side, Ron finally managed to pitch in a "Yeah, let's go."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Thanks, Ron," she said sarcastically.

When she reached to grab Harry's arm, she was lightly swatted away. "This one is going to break," he declared confidently, staring fixedly at his target.

Sighing, Hermione finally looked up at target number three. The man looked exactly like the other two, although that was not much of a surprise. All of the guards at Buckingham Palace wore the exact same outfit: a red jacket with gold buttons, black cuffs, and a black collar, a white belt placed right above their waist, white gloves, and black pants with a strip of red running along each pant leg. Of course, one couldn't forget the silly black fuzz balls mistakenly called hats. She already had five or six close-up pictures of those.

"Harry, these people are _trained_ to keep their composure," she informed her friend. "You can't truly think you can get them to start laughing at your jokes."

Stubborn as usual, Harry only shook his head. "There has to be something that will make him crack," he reasoned out loud.

For the next fifteen minutes, the dark-haired boy tried every joke he could think of with absolutely zero results. Eventually, Hermione decided that she just couldn't wait any longer. They only had four days left in London, and she had a whole list of places she wanted to visit before they had to go back home and start packing for school again. She wanted to watch the secondhand tick away on Big Ben. She wanted to hold Ron's hand as they rode the London Eye. She wanted to touch the walls of the House of Parliament and open the doors of Westminster Abbey. The list seemed endless, and their summer vacation was quickly coming to a close. As a result, Harry was soon left to stare at the guard alone.

While his friends may have thought that there was nothing different about guard number three, Harry was positive that this one was someone special. Maybe it was the way his hat was tilted or the number of metals he wore (the most Harry had seen). Maybe it was the black hair or the frown. Even though he couldn't quite place what it was, Harry knew that he could get through to this particular guard. Granted, he had thought the exact same thing with guard number one, a blonde with thin lips, and guard number two, a brunette with scuffed black shoes. Harry would rather believe that he had learned his lesson and was now an expert at identifying the right ones.

"Did you hear about what happened with the Energizer Bunny? He got charged with battery."

Nothing.

Time to switch tactics. Commence the Art of Annoyance.

"It's okay. I'm actually not much of a comedian. Ron – the guy who was here with the short, red hair – is the only one I can ever make laugh. I'm Harry Potter, by the way. I just turned twenty-one this summer, and Hermione – the girl that was beside me half an hour ago – came up with the idea to celebrate in London. She's been dying to come here since we were sixteen, so she was super excited. I'm guessing she is in some museum by now. She is kind of the bookworm type if you didn't notice. Personally, I'm content with standing here and talking to you. I was thinking maybe we could have a nice chat before your shift ends, and then maybe we can hit the bar with my friends. Unless you don't drink. Then we can find a café or something. Actually, it would probably best if you picked the place, wouldn't it? Since, you know, you live here and all."

It might have been his imagination, but Harry could have sworn he saw a dark eyebrow twitch.

"Sooooo…What do you normally do?"

Something in the man's eye made Harry think he was being silently insulted.

"Okay, obviously, I meant besides guarding Buckingham Palace."

Now he was reading something close to irritation. He supposed that was progress.

"Do you have tea with the Queen? Party with the princes?"

Annoyance. There was definitely a flash of annoyance.

"I'd actually like to spend some time with Prince William one day. He seems like a cool bloke. You seem like a cool bloke, too. I have a feeling that we could be good mates. You know, Ron is planning on proposing to Hermione the night before we leave London. While those two lovebirds fawn over each other, you and I could hang out. It would be perfect."

If Harry had a ruler, he bet that he could prove that the guard's eyes had narrowed by a few nanometers.

"I think we will get along very well, actually. We have a lot in common. For starters, we both have dark hair."

Another flash of annoyance.

"Then there is the fact that we both like red. You should see my apartment! I have a red bedspread, red towels, red pajamas, red everything. I even have a red jacket, but it looks nothing like yours."

A battle was warring in the guard's eye, and Harry wondered if Annoyance would triumph over Irritation.

"We both speak English. At least, I'm assuming you speak English. Why don't you say something so that I can be sure?"

Okay. Irritation was whipping Annoyance's butt.

"It was worth a try," Harry grumbled with a shrug.

As it was, Harry was running out of ideas. He could pretend that he saw an eyebrow twitch or a glare all he wanted, but he knew he wouldn't be satisfied until he got a big reaction. Besides, he was starting to realize that what he said about wanting to be friends with the guard wasn't a lie. Even though the guard had yet to say a word, Harry could just imagine the man as sarcastic, smart, and snarky – someone…entertaining…to have around.

If Harry were being completely honest to himself, he would add that the guard wasn't too bad looking, either. Earlier, Harry had glimpsed strands of black hair stuffed under the hat. In the young man's imagination, the guard's hair would fall a few inches past his chin. The hair's darkness would accentuate the man's pale skin, and the length would draw attention to the man's broad shoulders. But even with the guard's hair smashed into the ridiculous hat, the man was still quite handsome.

"You'll have to forgive me, but I am growing desperate now," Harry began after a few minutes of silence. "Now keep in mind that I cannot take credit for what you hear next. It all comes from a calendar Ron's brothers gave me after I came out last year. Are you ready?"

Hmm. An absolutely blank expression.

Harry sighed before forging ahead. "Men are like clothes. The cutest ones usually come from Europe."

It might have been a simple blink, but Harry thought the guard might have closed his eyes in pain (or appreciation?).

"Yeah, I thought you might appreciate that one. All right, let's hope you're ready for this next one... Men are coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night."

Alas, the guard's expression escaped Harry who had unintentionally disturbed an elderly lady with particularly sensitive ears. When he finally convinced the woman that he had said "lead you right," any sign of the guard's amusement had disappeared. Pouting, he racked his brain for one of the tamer sayings.

"Men are like fairy tales. They seem to make more sense when you're young…I think that lady would agree with that one."

A movement of the lips.

"Men are like sunsets. Fun to watch and you can see a new one every night."

A slight wrinkle of the noise.

Harry rubbed the back of his head. "I'm not much of a fan of that one, either, but I don't think the old ladies will like my last one."

Back to the blank look.

"Well if you insist!" It was time to unleash the secret weapon, and it was a fairly risky one at that. He'd either score or find himself facing the barrel of the guard's gun. But at this point, he could not have anything else to say. He would just have to suffer the consequences.

Taking a huge breath and adopting a façade of confidence, he took a few steps closer to the guard so that only a few inches separated their chests. "Men are like shampoo. The more body they give you, the more you like them," he whispered, not even attempting to try for a sexy voice. According to his so-called friends, his "sexy voice" made him sound like a chain smoker.

When the guard made no move, Harry let his shoulders slump in defeat. "Well, that was the best I've got. They really train you guys well, don't they? I wonder if you can get an award for surviving The Final Battle against one Harry Potter. If I run into the Queen, I promise to suggest it to her."

Heavily disappointed but grateful for the lack of bloodshed, Harry finally gave guard number three some (much needed) personal space. Back in his original spot, he found it easier to avoid the pale man's gaze. He studied his watch and realized that two hours had passed since Ron and Hermione had ditched him. He also vaguely remembered promising to meet the pair back at their hotel for a late lunch and figured he should probably be leaving soon. Somehow, he still had a shred of dignity, and his foolish brain decided to give it one last shot.

"Umm, I don't know when you get off work, but I will be at Le Club at one. I'll look for you there, and then maybe we'll finally have a proper introduction."

And just as Harry had turned around to find himself a cab, he froze when he heard a soft mumble.

"Severus Snape."

While the guard, now to be called Severus, was probably back to his typical, flat frown, Harry walked away with a huge, obnoxious grin. Hermione would never believe it!

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><p><strong>AN:** I've kinda had this idea stuck in my head for a loooooong time, and it feels nice to finally have it written out. I have my friend's "men are like" calendar to thank for all the jokes. I hope they made you laugh the way I dod. Anyways, I would love to hear what you guys think of it!

Have an awesome day! ~ Marginal Benefits


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** So a few of you guys seemed interested in a part two, so this is it! I hope you like it, and I wanted to give a special thanks to **help does wonders**, **izod1360**, **Luv 2 cry**, **LemonDropsWoolSocks**, **U N I K**, **iwoebegone**, **imici**, and **angelkitten365** for the awesome reviews. :)

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><p>"I don't see why Harry just can't come with us," Hermione said to her boyfriend, a slight frown on her face.<p>

"Didn't Harry tell you? He's been dying to go to 221B Baker Street, and this is his last opportunity," Ron lied.

Now a bright smile replaced the frown. "Really, Harry? You never told me that you read _Sherlock Holmes_! We could have talked about Irene Adler or Mycroft and his relationship with his brother. I've always wanted someone to talk to about Sherlock's deduction skills, too. Do you really think it is possible for someone to look at a finger and tell that the person wor–"

"Mione, the Sherlock Holmes Museum closes soon, so we should probably let Harry go now," he suggested, giving his mate a meaningful look.

"Yeah. I'll talk to you guys later," Harry said. "Have fun."

As Harry watched the couple walk down the main road, he let out a huge sigh. This was the last night that they would be spending in London, and Ron had made reservations at a very exclusive restaurant for his date that night with Hermione. Once they arrived, an a cappella group would gather around their table singing the first song they'd ever danced to. Then a waiter would hand Ron a bouquet of red roses that he would present to Hermione. After that, Ron would get down on one knee and pull out the beautiful ring Harry had helped him pick out. If everything went according to plan, Hermione would return to their hotel as the future Mrs. Weasley, and Ron's (well, technically his little sister's) hard work and planning would pay off.

There was just one problem. Harry. Every since Hermione had left him alone in front of Buckingham Palace, she had felt terribly guilty. She felt even worse after Harry told them about inviting Severus to Le Club and the man never showed up. Harry couldn't hide his disappointment, and Hermione thought it was her responsibility to make sure the brunette had somebody beside him at every second. But there was no way that Harry could crash this date, so Ron came up with some ridiculous lie the night before. Apparently, ever since watching _Sherlock Holmes _at the theaters last year, Harry had converted into an avid Holmes fan. For this reason, he was destined to have reoccurring nightmares if he left London without seeing 221B Baker Street.

To be honest, Harry hadn't believed that Hermione would buy their lie since most museums in London closed at six, and it was currently a quarter past seven. Shrugging, Harry made his way down the street in search for a coffee shop he had seen that morning. According to its sign, the shop sold the best chocolate chip scones on the planet, and chocolate always made forget all the bad things.

In less than seven minutes, he found himself standing outside of Molly's Café and Bakery staring at the tray of fresh scones an employee was carrying in her hands. He was so entranced that he didn't see a customer leaving the store, swinging the door open…right into Harry's face.

Stumbling back, Harry clutched at his aching head and tried to regain his balance.

"Bloody hell," a man cursed. "What kind of idiot stands in front of a door?"

Things were getting blurry, and Harry felt extremely dizzy.

"Hey," the man called out, sounding a bit uneasy about Harry's precarious wobbling.

"I t-think I need to sit down," Harry finally grumbled.

Before he knew it, Harry felt an arm slip around his waist, drag him inside the café, and plop him down in a metal chair. Groaning, Harry heard the screech of metal against tile and realized that his unkind abuser had decided to join him at the table. How lovely.

"So, tell me. Do you generally make a habit of running to doors or were you just trying something new tonight," the man asked.

"Who_ are_ you," Harry asked.

There was something terribly wrong. For some bizarre reason, it was if he was staring out of a kaleidoscope. So Harry had no clue what the man seated with him looked like. From the deep tone of the person's voice, Harry could tell that he was seated with a man, but that it. Maybe he really should have read _The Adventures and Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes_ after all.

"You don't know who I am," the man mused aloud after a moment of silence.

Harry frowned. "Other than the fact that you make a habit of blaming others for your mistakes, no," he replied.

The man snorted. "Very original," he commented blandly.

Feeling himself get upset, Harry decided to be the bigger man and just leave. "Thanks for your help," Harry said as he scooted his chair back.

"Do you even know where you're going," the man asked.

"Of course. I'm not an idiot," Harry growled.

"Well, your level of intelligence is still debatable. That aside, I don't think many people could find there way home with glasses as broken as yours."

"What?" Tearing off his glasses, Harry squinted at the lenses and made out series of cracked lenses. "Great. I thought I was just recovering from the hit. What am I going to do now?"

"Why don't you just have your friends come and pick you up," the man suggested.

Harry narrowed his eyes, suspicious by the change of attitude. Was he actually trying to be nice now? "I can't. My friend is proposing to his girlfriend tonight," he explained.

"Call for a cab then."

"That could work..." But Harry spoke too soon. He reached into his back jean pocket only to realize that he left his wallet back in his room. "Except for the fact that I don't have any money."

"Silly me. I momentarily forgot who I was talking to. Why would anybody come to a café with cash?"

Perhaps Harry lied. He also knew that the man was very sarcastic. "I'll just wait and call Ron when I think they're finished," Harry decided, hoping that he wouldn't ruin anything.

"Hmm. I suppose I should wait here with you."

"What? No. That's not neces–"

"Do shut up, Potter. It's clear that you blame me for your situation. Just be quiet and let me buy you a scone."

Now who was Harry to refuse a free scone?

"A chocolate chip one?"

His companion grunted or laughed. It was difficult for to tell. "You are really something. Do you know that?"

-#S#N#A#R#R#Y#-

Surprisingly, Harry's abuser turned scone-giver was a decent guy. By the time Harry phone rang, Harry was shocked that he had spent over an hour talking to the stranger and had actually enjoyed it. Their conversation ranged from topics of favorite foods to favorite pastimes to sports. Harry now knew that the man despised dancing, was addicted to coffee, read eighty books last year, hated the color red, wrote articles in chemistry magazines for extra cash, and (based on the number of times the man had laughed) found Harry oddly entertaining. To be fair, Harry enjoyed the man's company as well.

"Excuse me for one second," Harry said to the man, turning in his chair. "Hello?"

"Harry, mate, where are you," Ron asked over the phone. "I wanted to tell you the good news!"

Harry started. For a while, he had actually forgotten why he was even in the café in the first place. He had been so wrapped up in their conversation that he'd forgotten that he was supposed to call Ron. When he was talking to the man, he didn't feel as if he was talking to a stranger. Strangely, Harry couldn't help feeling like the man was someone familiar to him, like an old friend he hadn't seen in awhile.

"Congratulations, Ron! I knew she would say yes. Did she like the singers," Harry questioned, trying to concentrate on his excited friend.

"She broke into tears after they were done. Can you believe that? You should have seen it! But where are you? I thought we would be celebrating the good news together. Hermione and I just got back to the hotel to get you, but you weren't back yet," Ron said. "You didn't actually find some way into the Sherlock Museum, did you?"

"No, I am actually stranded right now."

"What?"

"I left the room without my wallet and then broke my glasses when I was about to go into Molly's Bakery. I planned on asking if you guys could pick me up once you were done, but I got a bit distracted."

"Jeez, Harry, it sounds like you've been having bad luck all day."

Harry looked up at his companion and gave a small smile. "Actually, it hasn't been that bad."

Ron wasn't convinced. "Hermione and I will be there in ten minutes, so don't move."

Laughing, Harry thanked his mate and hung up the phone before turning to face the man again. "That was my friend. He's coming to pick me up soon."

"Finally," the man said. "If I had to listen to you rave about Obliviate truffles one more time, somebody in this café would have been severely injured. In any case, I will be leaving now."

"What? I thought you were staying here until they came to pick me up."

"I don't think that will be necessary anymore."

Harry tried not to pout. "Well then do I get a name before you leave?"

If it was possible to hear a smirk, that is the exact noise Harry heard. "Check your napkin," was the only thing the man said before he got up.

As soon as he heard the café door close, Harry picked up the napkin that came with the scone. Apparently, the man had scribbled something on the back of it without Harry even noticing it. Even now it was hard for him to see what was written, and he squinted at the scratchy letters.

_Potter – _

_Found a new one for you if you really want to rile up the old ladies: _

_Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be at least half off._

_SS _

_0201-925-1127_

_P.S. Be careful of the door on your way out. I heard it can be very dangerous._

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><p><strong>AN:** I just couldn't see Severus coming to Le Club, and I kind of liked the idea of Harry running into guard number three again without actually knowing it. This is most likely the end of Flirting With Guard Number Three unless you guys are really unhappy with this part. Either way, I'd love to hear what you guys think. Thanks for reading! Also, all my readers should go see Sherlock Holmes 2 because it's an awesome movie. ;)

~Marginal Benefits


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** _IMPORTANT MESSAGE: By the time I upload chapter 4, Flirting With Guard Number 3 will be listed as an incomplete story._

As much as I wanted to add a shameless plug for Sherlock Holmes 2, I reluctantly withheld. Anyways, I want to thank all of my supporters and thank my beautiful reviewers for encouraging me to keep writing!

**Luv 2 cry** – Yes, a blind Harry isn't always a perceptive Harry. Thank goodness Severus knows to leave hints and clues. Thanks for the review!

**LemonDropsWoolSocks** – Awww, it looks like I fell for your sad puppy dog eyes. Here is another chapter just for you! ;)

beautiful fire warrior – I'm glad that you have liked my story so far. I hope chapter 3 does not disappoint.

**Sevie Prince** – Yay! I always love hearing that my writing is funny. You're the best!

**marksmom **- You're so sweet. Thanks for the review! I hope you like this new part.

**Caiuslover** – You have made a very good point. I am reluctantly being pulled into the idea of a full-length story…

**SakuraMona **– I have written more, so I hope you like it. Thanks for the sweet review. :)

**joytiger** – I'm so happy that you love it so much. Harry and Severus get closer in this chapter, so I believe it will be to your linking.

**DevianYUE** – You were absolutely right. It appears that I do need to make this story longer. Your advice and review put a smile on my face. Thanks so much!

**Iago96** – You flatter me with all the compliments. I desperately hope that I don't disappoint you with chapter three!

**ryuzuu **– Your request has been granted. Lol Here is another awesome chapter for you! Thanks for telling me that you wanted more.

**kura-wolfgoddess** – First, I must applaud your choice of username. I LOVE wolves. *coughs* Moving on, thanks for your lovely review!

**2910leiv **– I'm so pleased that you like the plot so far. I think I will be moving it in a kind of different direction because I'm making it a bit longer now. I'll try to keep things just as funny, though.

**Bakanika** – Thanks for telling me that you wanted more. I've actually decided to make it longer in the end. :) This chapter is especially dedicated to you for seeing Sherlock Holmes 2. I am sort of kind of in love with Robert Donwey Jr. I hope you enjoyed the movie!

**Sm1982** – I didn't realize it then, but I very much agree with you now. I will make it a multi-chaptered fic, so please keep on reading. :)

**Pegaz **– Thanks so much for your review! I think that Harry could have recognized Severus's voice. However, prior to their second meeting, Harry only heard him say two words. Also, a few days had passed since their first encounter. I kind of assumed that Harry was no longer able to remember what Severus's voice sounded like by then.

Please enjoy!

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><p>Harry paced back and forth while simultaneously biting the nail on his thumb. He always seemed to multitask best when he was nervous. Why was he nervous? Because he seemed to have this rare disease where he consistently did stupid things and never learned his lesson. He flirts with a guard and asks him to come to Le Club. What happens? The guard never shows up. What does he do next? He sends a text message to the same man at ten at night asking him to meet him in front of Buckingham Palace. For some reason, Harry just couldn't leave guard number three alone. And at the very least he wanted to see (clearly) and talk to Severus one last time before he left London.<p>

Harry was even prepared this time. Hermione, God bless her, had slipped Harry's old, round glasses into his luggage in case of an emergency. While he did look a bit dorky at the moment, he had his perfectionist friend to thank for his corrected eyesight. All it cost him was a twenty-minute lecture about the importance of being aware of his surroundings and looking out for opening doors.

"Potter, if you don't mind, I'd rather not have scuff marks all over my workplace," a voice said from behind him.

Sucking in a breath, Harry turned around to face London's most sarcastic resident. "Sorry. I was worried that you wouldn't show up," he explained.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "When people ask you to meet them somewhere, it is always polite to arrive as expected," he replied. "Honestly, I think somebody needs to talk the people who raised you."

"It wasn't my fault. You never replied," Harry retorted, raising his phone as if it was some kind of valid proof. But it was true. Harry had religiously stared at his phone waiting for a beep and was only met with silence.

"Who had time to text you when you gave me ten minutes to get to a place twenty miles away," Snape snapped, though Harry didn't believe the man was truly annoyed.

"When people send texts, it is always polite to send a reply," Harry replied teasingly.

Severus scoffed. "We need to work on your originality before somebody charges you with plagiarism," he suggested.

Instead of trying and failing to come up with a witty comeback, Harry let his mind wander from the conversation. It was absolutely fascinating, really. Finally, Harry could watch the man's facial expressions and hear his voice at the same time. It seemed as if the guard had an unending arsenal of eyebrow raises, scoffs, snorts, and eye rolls that all meant something different. And even though most of the reactions were in response to something stupid Harry did, he felt his heart stir with every movement and every sound. He silently cursed his university for making him leave such an entertaining guy.

"I think that door hit you harder than we initially thought, Potter. You've been gawking at me for the past five minutes," Severus said.

Harry shook himself. "Oh, sorry. I guess got distracted for a second."

Another eyebrow raise. "Am I that boring?"

Harry laughed. "No, quite the opposite actually. So why didn't you tell me that you didn't like dancing before I went to Le Club?"

"You must not have gotten the memo," Severus said with a straight face, making Harry a bit suspicious. "It was mime appreciation day."

"Mime appreciation day? I've never heard of Oh!" Slapping his forehead, Harry wondered if maybe he could blame his parents and teachers for his moments of stupidity after all. "That was probably a stupid question."

"Don't feel bad. I am sure you've had many others, and I sincerely doubt this one will be your last. Besides, from past experiences and research, it seems like simpletons such as yourself are eternally doomed with a ridiculously low I.Q."

He pretended to glare. "Well if you are so smart, answer this one. Why didn't you just tell me who you were in the café?"

Severus shrugged. "In the beginning, I honestly thought you would figure it out. I even said your name once and talked about my distaste for the color red. I kept dropping you hints, but don't worry. I take on full responsibility for having too high of expectations for you."

"You know, you should really consider becoming a comedian."

"And you should really consider becoming a dropout. You are _clearly_ wasting your college tuition."

Harry slapped the guard's arm. "Oh shut up."

"Bold, Potter. You're going to slap the Queen's guard right in front of her very own home. Of course, when I say bold, I mean it as a polite alternative to stupid or foolish."

"You better be nicer to me before I do something else in front of the Queen's house."

"Is that a threat I hear? Whatever will you do next," Severus drawled, obviously not threatened. Boy would he be surprised.

While Harry's sexy voice was an epic fail (to put it lightly), he had received compliments once or twice on what he called his "sexy swagger." Walking slowly, he approached the older man and stopped only when an inch separated them. Because Severus was at least six inches taller, Harry had to look up to see the man's face.

"You don't even want to know," he whispered playfully, daring to add a wink at the end. It only seemed fair that Harry tease Severus back in return for all of the not so subtle insults.

Just as he was about to pull away, Severus wrapped one arm around Harry's waist and then used his other hand to tilt his head. Leaning down, Severus pulled Harry into a kiss. But kiss didn't seem like the proper term to describe the slow, breathtaking exchange the two shared. All Harry knew was that he didn't even have the energy to disguise his moans of protest when the taller man finally pulled away.

"Was that what you were thinking about," Severus asked, a slow smile making its way on his face.

Harry's eyes automatically snapped back to the man's lips, the lips that had once covered his. "I love it when you smile," he said truthfully.

Severus snorted but kept smiling all the same. "Do you now?"

"Yes, I do. It makes you look absolutely stunning."

Believe it or not but the older man actually started to blush. "It's been decided. We need to have a doctor look at you."

"But it's true. Hasn't anyone ever told you that before?" In Harry's mind, it seemed almost unreal for anyone to have passed by this gorgeous man and not said something.

For whatever reason, Severus tensed up against him, and Harry worried that he had messed up the moment. "We shouldn't be doing this, Potter."

Harry frowned at the seemingly bipolar man. "Why not? I like you, and you like me. I don't think the Queen will mind, either. Personally, I've had my suspicions about Prince Harry. I think we have more in common besides our names if you get my meaning."

Severus rolled his eyes. "I'm being serious, Potter. We cannot let this continue."

"And why not?"

"I do not participate in one night stands, and I detest flings."

"That's perfectly fine seeing as I don't want either from you."

Severus stared at him, and Harry couldn't read his expression no matter how hard he tried. "You are leaving tomorrow. What would be the point of starting something now?"

The younger man struggled to make the guard realize that he was interested in something permanent until he suddenly remembered something. "Why did you give me your cell phone number then?"

For once, the guard didn't seem to have an immediate answer. Instead, he stalled and slid a hand down his face before responding. "I don't know. Maybe I was just kidding myself, pretending as if someone like you would actually be interested in someone like me."

"Don't you think the real wonder is how an intelligent person like you would be interested in an should-be-droupout like me?"

"Harry," he groaned in frustration.

"You know, I love it when you say my name," Harry admitted, leaning back into the older man's chest again.

"Harry, you are in college. You're supposed to be dating a different guy every night, not trying to start a relationship with some random guy you met in summer."

"Well, that's too bad because unless you're into roleplaying, I will only be dating one Severus Snape."

"You don't even know me."

"And that is the joy of dating," Harry explained. "I know I'll be away for a while, but we can still keep in touch. I'll call you, text you, email you, Skype you, and Facebook stalk you until my next break when I'll come back. Trust me. We can make this work."

Severus was silent for a long time and appeared have been assigned some mission to tuck every strand of Harry's hair behind his ear. "Do you really want this?"

Harry gave him a quick and (hopefully) reassuring peck on the lips. "I really want _you_."

Severus shook his head. "You are really something."

"So I've been told," he mumbled just before something made his eyes widen. "Hey! I thought of another one! Men's clothes are like Band-Aids. It's always better to rip them off than to take them off slowly."

"Has anyone told you that mind is a really scary place?"

"You know you liked it."

"I think it's time for you to go back to your room. If I stayed here any longer, I would fear for my sanity."

This was exactly what Harry did not want to hear. The thought of Severus leaving made him nervous and unsure of himself all over again, and he terribly missed the confidence he felt after the first kiss. It was wonderful finally knowing that guard number three was interested in him, and now Harry wanted to spend as much time together as possible. Didn't Severus feel the same?

"What? It's not even midnight yet," Harry complained.

"When is your flight?"

"Tomorrow morning at eight."

"Precisely." Ah. Of course, Severus would be logical about the whole thing.

"But, Sev, I don't even have your email yet," he protested, struggling to come up with some excuse to stay longer.

Severus rolled his eyes but took out the receipt from Molly's and wrote down his email. "Are you happy now?"

"Can I have a goodnight kiss?"

"Will you ever be satisfied, Mr. Potter," the older man asked in an exacerbated tone.

Despite the guard's complaining, Harry managed to get a two-minute kiss that was even better than the first. For a moment, he contemplated the consequences of "missing" his morning flight. A sudden image of an irate Hermione banished the thought away.

"Goodnight, Severus," he said at last.

"Goodnight, Harry," the other man said calmly.

"You'll call me in the morning, right?"

"If you so desire. Now hurry along before your friends come chasing after you again."

"I'll chase after _you _if I don't get that call," Harry threatened half-jokingly.

"Heaven forbid!"

Severus smiled and Harry tried to smile back as he waved goodbye.

Who would have thought that a trip to London would end up with Harry getting a boyfriend? Harry certainly hadn't. All he knew was that he needed to find another crazy calendar from Ron's brothers because was running out pickup lines_ fast_.

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><p><strong>AN:** I honestly thought last week that this would only be a two-shot. I was quite surprised by all of the people who said they would like to read more about the story. After some thinking, I decided to take the challenge and make this a full-length story. Anywho, I want to thank all of you who reviewed chapter 1 (**angelkitten365,** did you know you were my first reviewer in 2012?) and chapter 2. Each one always motivates me to write more, so thanks a ton! ;) As always, I would love to hear what you think about this chapter. I also wanted to give you guys a heads up. My story is still labeled as complete now, but I look for it in the incomplete section next week when I post chapter 4. Also, I would much appreciate any and all suggestions for Harry's college major.

Hugs and kisses,

Marginal Benefits


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading on! I've been very shocked and pleased by how many story alerts, favorites, and reviews I've been getting so far. Let me just say that you guys are SUPER awesome. Enjoy this chapter!

**marksmom** – I'm so happy that you enjoyed the last chapter! :) Thanks for reading and reviewing!

**kaja1234** – I have continued and plan on updating on a regular basis. I really hope that you enjoy this chapter as well. Thanks for reviewing!

**joytiger** – Thanks! I've never written a kissing scene before, so I was nervous that I didn't quite pull it off well. You're review was very comforting! Enjoy this chapter.

**Luv 2 cry **– Aww, you are too nice! I always look forward to reading your reviews, and this one made me very happy. I hope this chapter will make you happy too. :)

**beautiful fire warrior **– Thanks for helping me out with my dilemma. I have finally mapped out where I want to go with this story, and your advice was very helpful!

**misssnapeex** – I can't even begin to describe how happy I was after reading your review. I hope I do not disappoint you with this chapter. Anyways, I have decided to dedicate this chapter to you since you really did make my day with your super sweet review.

**LemonDropsWoolSocks** – lol Yep, I gave in. If you actually had asked for a chapter every time, I would have admired your persistence and given in anyways. You're totally right. I couldn't have gotten away with a one-shot. I think I just wanted something I knew I would be able to complete for sure. No worries, though. I will definitely finish this one. ;)

**Simply Alex** – I like your username, but I admit that you scared me for a second because I have a friend with that name. Thank you so much for all the lovely compliments. I took notes on all the things you said about London! I decided to make him a chemistry major like you suggested, so thanks for your all of your advice! By the way, this chapter is dedicated to you and missnapeex!

**kura-wolfgoddess** – I'm very glad that I was able to make you laugh. There is some Facebook stalking occurring in this chapter, so look out for it. ;)

**raineynight** – Yay! Thanks for your review! I hope you love this chapter just as much.

**Hortensia** – You are a smart thinker! As you suggested, I decided to make Harry study chemistry so that he can have some more CHEMISTRY with Severus. Haha That was lame. I know….

**Bakanika** – Yes, Harry is quite determined to have and keep his relationship with Severus. Jude is an awesome Watson, and I thought he did a wonderful job in this movie. Just before Sherlock Holmes 2, I saw him in Repo Man. That was an…interesting movie, but I thought Jude Law did a good job with the character. Anyways, I hope you like this chapter update!

**LIGHTNSHADOWS **– Long distance relationships can be rough, so we will see how Snape and Harry manage. I'm happy that you like the flow of the story. I had to change things because Harry and Snape can't see each other face-to-face anymore, but I hope people will still like it.

**Lade DestinyHope** – Not to worry! This story isn't complete yet. It will be a full-length story. I agree that it would be ironic if he majored in something science related. Thanks for your suggestions!

**Animegirl03** – Thank you so much! I hope that this chapter doesn't disappoint! :)

**aryaarsay** – Thanks for reading my story! I hate to disappoint you, but I'm trying to keep this story PG-13. ;) I hope you'll continue liking it anyways. Thanks for reading "What Not To Wear"! I kind of get embarrassed of it when I see people looking at it now, but you wrote such a lovely review for it. I will think about a sequel, but my main goal is to get this crazy story finished first.

* * *

><p>"You know, my offer still stands," the blonde man repeated, staring meaningfully at The Door.<p>

Instead of shaking his head at the room like he normally would, Harry looked over at his new friend sitting on a stool beside him around the kitchen counter. At first, he and Draco had not gotten together at all. Trying to get them to engage in polite conversation would be like asking Coke make room for Pepsi in the fridge or asking Megatron to help Optimus Prime with an oil change. It would never happen.

To put things nicely, the two were just too different. Draco had light hair; Harry had dark hair. Draco was relatively tall for his age. Harry, who was the same age, was below the average height (at least, that's what the lying doctors kept telling him). Draco's father wanted him to pursue a political career, so Draco "rebelled" and studied medicine. Harry wanted to save peoples lives and thought being a doctor would be the best option. Draco Malfoy was a trust fund baby with new BMWs, invitations to red carpet events, and enough money to buy his 4.0 GPA. Harry, on the other hand, was the typical poor college student who gorged on ramen noodles and studied hard for his grades.

All it took was one Organic Chemistry 293 class to get them to join forces. It just so happened that Draco and Harry were both barely passing the course. Rumor had it that the professor had refused Draco's generous bribe and has been flunking him on every assignments since. As for Harry, he didn't understand a single word in the textbook. In fact, he was prepared to file a lawsuit against Professor Malvado for ripping off hundreds of ignorant college students who were _not_ told that Gibberish 101 was a prerequisite.

After the third week of classes, Draco overheard Harry mumbling about the incomprehensive reading and struck up a bargain. Harry would help Draco get back under the professor's good graces since the teacher surprisingly had a liking for the brunette, even if the man seemed to have a passion for marking red Ds all over Harry's labs. Still, Harry made a point of going to Malvado's office hours and dropping subtle compliments about Draco. In exchange, Draco would share his notes with Harry. So far, the tradeoff was working fairly nicely. Besides, Harry couldn't really complain about his C+. Admittedly, he did want to complain about Draco's habit of overstaying his welcome in Harry's flat, as was the case now.

"It's not that big of a deal," Harry claimed.

When another round of giggles sounded from The Dreaded Room, Harry tried his best to ignore it. Sadly, Draco was disinclined to do the same.

The blonde cocked his head in the direction of The Room. "Are you kidding me? If somebody demanded I live with Mr. and Mrs. Hillbilly or hand over my life savings, I'd give them every penny I owned," he claimed.

"That's great, Draco, but you don't live with them. You're not dealing with your two best mates. What could _I_ say to them," Harry asked.

"I think it is great that you two are engaged, but some things have changed that I'm not really comfortable with," Draco started. Harry was surprised and very suspicious. Most of what left Draco's mouth was never as practical as this. "First of all, I am sick and tired of seeing your boxers and bras when I come back from class. I mean no decent person buys Hanes underwear. Hermione! Stop buying those romance books and start heading to Victoria's Secret! And you, Ron! Have you heard of Brooks Brothers? My lord, you people need help. Don't you realize that your clothes define you? Do you really want people to know you have no sense of style and empty wallets or are you willing to lie like any other normal person would? Now where was I…Oh! Second of all, you seem to have forgotten that doors have two functions. Not only can they be opened, but one can shut them, too. That last part is vital because there are certain things that I just don't want to hear. Honestly! You two should really think about joining an etiquette class. Lastly, it does not seem fair that only two people are paying for a flat housing a group of three. Who is paying for Hermione's showers? Who is paying when she charges her phone? Does it look like a man eating ramen noodles can afford all that? No, no he can't. Does a gay man deserve to pay for his mate's girlfriend? No, no he doesn't. Will any of this behavior persist from this moment on? No, no it won't. You see, Harry, you just need to sit these peasants down and confront them. If you don't…"

Harry found Draco's hypothetical speech impractical but entertaining. "Peasants," he parroted, barking out a laugh. "You are really something, Draco."

"Well what other type of person walks around with $1 underwear," the blonde questioned.

"I don't know. Maybe college students," Harry offered.

"No, selfish peasants."

"Oh. They're selfish now?"

"Yes. While they may be saving a few dollars, my eyes must suffer through the constant torment of the rubbish they call clothes. Even worse, they haven't even offered to pay for all of my visits to my optometrist."

"They haven't taken that etiquette class yet, remember? That don't know better. Besides, I caught you once glaring at my closet with a lighter in your hand. I doubt you approve of my wardrobe, either. Do I owe you an apology too," Harry asked, completely amused by his friend's tirade.

"And don't forget a thank you while you are at it. I just gave you the answer to all of your problems."

"You are completely right," Harry admitted as he pretended to search for something and then snapped his fingers. "Darn! I forgot to write it down."

Pouting, Draco was clearly not pleased. "Fine. It's your loss. But I will only forgive you if you tell me more about Fictional Frank."

Harry rolled his eyes. Aside from chemistry, Draco only wanted to complain about Ron and Hermione or pick apart his relationship with Severus (a.k.a. Imaginary Ian, Make-Believe Marvin, Pretend Peter, Made-Up Mark, and Invented Isaac). To be honest, Harry was glad to have somebody to talk to about his flatmate and his girlfriend with. Before Ron and Hermione were the only friends he had nearby to talk to, and there was no way he can complain about things they did to their own faces. Draco, on the other hand, was somebody he could vent to without worrying about how he would react. The youngest Malfoy always took sides with Harry and often made him laugh with his outrageous suggestions. It was only when they discussed Severus that Harry got genuinely annoyed with the blonde's presence. For some reason, Draco refused to believe that Severus actually existed, thus the arsenal of nicknames.

"He is doing just fine," Harry answered rather curtly.

"Oh, don't get touchy. You have to admit that the chances of you getting a long-term boyfriend in London are kind of slim. You've been going out for a month now?"

"Tons of people have long-distance relationships, Draco. And what do you mean by slim chances?"

Draco raised an eyebrow. "You managed to convince a guard, who is sworn not to speak a word or move an inch, to fancy you in a week. Unless you're some magician in disguise, I'm having troubles imagining you and Make-Believe Marvin dating."

"Do you want to see his Facebook page?"

Wrapping an arm around Harry's neck, the blonde leaned in and gave his friend a skeptical look. "Do you know how easy it is to create a fake profile? How would I know that Pretend Peter's page is actually real?"

Groaning, Harry left to go to his room and returned with his Dell laptop. He then opened up the Internet browser and placed the computer on the counter between the two of them. Yes. His homepage was his boyfriend's Facebook wall. There is nothing wrong with that. After all, Severus had been warned about all of this a fair amount of time in advance.

"You are so lame, Harry," Draco mumbled as he scrolled down the page. "There is absolutely nothing here."

Frustrated, Harry snatched his computer and snorted. "Just because he hasn't uploaded any pictures doesn't mean that there is nothing there, Draco. Did you even bother reading our posts?"

"He only has one friend," Draco stated with a smirk.

"Read the posts, Draco!"

"Bloody hell. Keep your pants on. God knows I don't want to see what brand of underwear_ you_ wear."

"Just read."

**Harry Potter **

See? I told you that you would like Facebook!

Like – Comment – See Friendship

** Severus Snape** I don't think I've despised anything more in my entire life.

** Harry Potter** That's because you just started using it.

** Severus Snape** And coincidentally today I will also stop using it.

** Harry Potter** *puppy dog eyes* Won't you give it a try for me?

** Severus Snape** …

** Harry Potter** Pllleeaaassseee

** Severus Snape** Fine, you insufferable brat. I just hope you realize that this ChirpBook site is a complete and utter waste of my precious time.

** Harry Potter **ChirpBook?

** Severus Snape **BirdSpace. Whatever this thing is called.

** Harry Potter **BirdSpace?

** Severus Snape **That was a typo. I meant MyBird.

** Harry Potter **You do realize that the top of the page says Facebook, right? Let's just focus on one social networking site at a time. We can save Twitter and MySpace for later.

** Severus Snape **There are more?

** Severus Snape **Bloody hell.

View all 24 comments

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the result of mixing two clueless idiots and the World Wide Web," Draco drawled. "Do not worry. They will not breed."

Harry rolled his eyes. "He was just joking," Harry protested, though he had his own doubts.

"Well, but of course," Draco mumbled. "This was obviously a perfect example of friendly banter between two lovers, soul mates even."

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you well, Malfoy," Harry grumbled.

"Sarcasm? I only wear Armani."

Harry frowned and tried to decide if Draco was being serious. One never knew with that one. "So you still don't believe me?"

"Imaginary Ian has yet to convince me. Sorry. On the bright side, you have convinced me that you need help as quickly as possible. Some new pants wouldn't hurt either."

Just as Harry was about to defend his favorite pair of jeans, Hermione and Ron stumbled into the kitchen, Ron heading straight to the refrigerator. Hermione was laughing yet again, and Harry offered up his seat to her. Consequently, Harry received a long glare from Draco who was likely blaming him for only buying two stools and for having the audacity of letting "Mrs. Hillbilly" near him. Gratefully, Draco kept his mouth shut.

"Are you okay," Harry asked his giggling friend.

Wiping away a tear, Hermione tried to compose herself. "Oh, I'm s-sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. It's just t-that…" More giggles. "Ron is so hilarious. Ever since we came back from London, I have been trying to teach him how to sort his clothes, and he still puts the reds with the whites. You should see his closet! He has more pink shirts than my baby cousin!"

Harry frowned. "Wait. This whole time you've been laughing because Ron can't do laundry," he questioned in puzzlement.

"Yeah. What did you think I was laughing about? We practice every day, and every time he makes some mistake and throws our clothes all over the place," the girl responded. "He doesn't want to stop until he does it perfectly, but he ruins every load."

Draco's eyes widened in horror. "I think lameness is contagious. I'll be leaving now. Text me when this place has been quarantined," the blonde declared, scooting back in his stool and promptly heading toward the door.

Ron finally removed his head from the refrigerator and staggered over with a handful of snacks. "What's his problem," he growled, a slice of ham dangling from his mouth.

Harry merely shrugged. It would take him days to fully answer that question. Instead, he decided to pull out his phone and contact the last sane person he knew.

* * *

><p>Sent to Guard #3<p>

_Roses are red. Violets are blue. Draco's stupid. And I miss you._

* * *

><p>Sent to My Incessant Stalker:<p>

_Roses are red. Daisies are white. Your friends are weird. Have a good night._

* * *

><p>Sent to Guard #3:<p>

_Roses are red. Tulips are too. Call me tomorrow. Or I'll feel so blue._

* * *

><p>Sent to My Incessant Stalker:<p>

_All of your poems are horrible. Quitting your day job would be deplorable._

* * *

><p>Harry laughed. Dating Sarcastic Dr. Seuss had its perks…and insults. He sent one last text before heading off to bed.<p>

* * *

><p>Sent to Guard #3:<p>

XOXO

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Harry's last text was supposed to be a heart, but FFnet won't let me add a less than symbol. :(

I hope that none of you had troubles finding this story again. It is now officially listed as incomplete and will remain so until I load the final chapter. I know that this chapter was a bit different because Severus wasn't physically with Harry but don't get too worried. I promise that the story will still be just as good. I even finished mapping out guidelines for the plot, so things should run smoothly. ;) Thanks for reading!

I also wanted to add that since I've been getting such amazing reviews lately, I've decided to start dedicating certain chapters to a reviewer or two for each chapter. If you've been chosen, you'll see it in my response to your comments. Obviously, this story won't published into a book and I LOVE all of the reviews, but I kind of like doing something special for the reviews that really make my day. Have an awesome week!

~Marginal Benefits

Oh, I also meant to mention that I have no biases against brands of underwear, unlike dear old Draco. In fact, I went into a Victoria's Secret store once on my own and got totally intimidated. It was just too much for me. I guess I'm no cooler than Hermione and Ron. Oh well…


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** I am so grateful to have such an awesome bunch of readers like you all! Reading your reviews has been awesome, and I really appreciate all of the encouraging feedback. Thanks so much for giving my crazy story a chance.

**Luv 2 cry** – I was shocked by how quickly you reviewed this story! Lol That was amazing. Anyways, I am glad that you liked my characterization of Draco. Thanks for all the compliments and the review! I am dedicating this chapter to you! :D

**joytiger** – Yeah, I like to bring random things like Transformers into my stories. I'm just strange like that. I'm so happy that you enjoyed this chapter!

**marksmom** – Wow! Thank you so much. I tried to make Draco dramatic but funny (in a I'm-laughing-at-you kind of way), so I'm glad that you liked how I wrote Draco. :) I'm also glad to have found another person who is not a fan of Victoria's Secret.

**kaja1234** – Thanks for the sweet review! I can't tell you exactly when Harry and Severus will meet, but I promise that it will happen. You will have to wait and find out what happens.

**daemonkieran **– I'm glad you like found Draco funny! I do agree with you and Draco. It's only fair for Hermione to start paying.

**CrzyFreek09** – Thanks! Please enjoy this chapter! :)

**Tokugawa Blitzer** – Thank you for giving me an honest review. Do you mind if I ask you what made you grumble at the beginning of the story? Was it a bad summary? Did you not like my opening? I really want to know so that I can make changes to make my story better. I'm so happy that you decided to give my story a chance and actually liked it! I hope that this chapter does not disappoint.

**Lady DestinyHope** – You are too smart! I had actually planned on adding some elements of jealousy to the story, as you will begin to see in this chapter. Thanks for the review!

**Bakanika** – I have seen long distance relationships work out before, so I have faith in them. I don't think that that kind of relationship is ideal, though. Harry and Severus will have their struggles, though. I totally did not even guess that you were not a native English speaker. I am very impressed by anyone who knows multiple languages! You are so awesome!

**n1264** – It's always nice to hear that my Snape isn't too out of character. I'm happy to hear that you like his sarcasm. I hope you equally approve of this chapter.

**Sheankelor** – That's smart thinking! Harry should have thought of that, but I think he was too proud of himself for actually convincing Severus to go on Facebook to think of anything else to show Draco. Maybe he will try to prove his Snape's existence with a Chem article in one of the future chapters.

**AlmondWithUnicornHair **– Yay! I'm glad that you liked the Facebook and texts part. Thank you for pointing out the heart thing. Fanfiction wouldn't let me make a less than symbol, and I didn't realize that when I published the chapter. I have changed the last text to read as "xoxo," but I prefer the heart much better. I'm so grateful that you mentioned it, though. I'm sure that the seemingly random 3 confused many people.

**aryaarsay** – Thanks for all of the compliments! I think I actually will have Draco and Snape meet at some point in the story. It will be an interesting meeting to say the least.

**MareGB** – Yeah, I added an author note in chapter three that I would be changing it to incomplete, but I was worried that most people would skip over it (as I always do). I'm glad that you found my story, though! I would hate to lose a wonderful reader like you. :)

**LemonDropsWoolSocks** – I'm sorry that Draco gave off such a bad impression. I tried to make him dramatic and snobbish/arrogant in a way that just made people laugh at his ignorance. I will try my best to not overdo the arrogant part in the future.

**misssnapex** – Yay! I'm happy that you liked the facebook part. I just couldn't picture Snape using facebook without having some complications. Enjoy this chapter!

**Misa-chan96** – Thanks for the review. lol Now you finally get to figure out what happens next!

**Simply Alex** – Okay, Alex. Have you been peeking at my notes for the plot of this story? I was very surprised when I read your suggestion because that may (or may not) be something I kind of had planned to do. You're a smart cookie. That's all I've got to say.

**Serpent91 **– Why thank you! I hope that this chapter is equally as entertaining.

– Don't you just wish that your grade was dependent on the number of chapters or stories you read online? I hate it when school gets in the way of my reading time. Like you, I end up sacrificing sleep so that my homework is done AND I still get to read stuff. I hope you didn't fall asleep in any of your classes! My suggestion is to have a stash of candy that you can eat during class when you start to feel drowsy. That always works for me. ;)

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><p>"Draco never came back after he found out that they were laughing about failed laundry attempts," Harry explained, flopping backwards onto his bed.<p>

"Don't blame it on Flake-Oh, Potter. You know I don't like the brat, but let's be honest. You're failing Organic Chemistry because you thought Mn stood for Minnesota," Severus claimed, far from sympathetic.

"How is that my fault when they have things like Co, Mo, Ca, and Ga," Harry questioned, his tone a bit heated. The periodic table was invented solely to torment him.

"Aside from the fact that state abbreviations have _both_ letters capitalized, I'm sure that your tiny brain must have realized that you weren't sitting in a geography class. Your professor wasn't quizzing you on the location of Colorado, Missouri, California, and Georgia, Potter. This may come as a surprise to you, but most college students have passed fourth grade and already know the US map. They don't know yet that you paid somebody to forge your high school diploma. I only just put all the pieces together. I mean, no respectable teacher would let you pass sixth grade."

"I legitimately graduated, Severus. And it was an easy mistake to make," Harry argued, ignoring the sigh he heard coming from the phone. "They purposely design this stuff for me to fail."

"You do realize that your conspiracy theories lack sense and validity, right," Severus drawled. "Can you explain to me how someone could construct a whole field of science so that 99.99% of students could understand it and only .01% could not?"

Harry groaned in frustration. Severus didn't understand. Nobody did. That's how good the conspirators were. Only Harry could recognize their true evilness. He once tried to imagine how they looked, too. So far, he had a swarm of men clad in black ninja outfits carrying sharp, broken beakers meant to draw blood, Bunsen burners that would char his skin within seconds, and microscopes that transformed into laser guns. These were people to be feared, and that is why he needed some backup.

"Can't you help me one last time," Harry begged.

You see, ever since Draco had abandoned him, Harry had been looking everywhere for someone who could explain to him the elusive language of Organic Chemistry. One day he broke down and asked Severus for help, fully expecting an onslaught of insults. Harry was shocked when the older man actually agreed to help and walked him through his lecture notes. Sadly, Severus adamantly refused to look at Harry's labs or homework, but the brunette's grades had slowly been increasing. If he got an A on this next lab, his class average would finally rise up to a B. Unfortunately, Professor Malvado was an evil, evil man. Realizing that Harry had finally deciphered his gibberish, the teacher had written the newest lab assignment in some complicated variation of Pig Latin. Needless to say, Harry was very lost. The only explanation was that Malvado had teamed up with the Ninja Chemistry Conspirators to ruin Harry's life. Basically, Harry was in deep trouble if he couldn't convince his boyfriend to tutor him.

"That would be cheating," Severus rightly pointed out.

"I'm not asking for answers, Sev. I just need a translator. You can be my Rosetta Stone!"

There was a long expanse of silence, and Harry was concerned that his boyfriend might have hung up.

"Potter…You cannot keep going on like this. If you don't figure this lab out on your own, there is absolutely no hope for your midterm exam."

"Nooo," Harry screamed, dropping his cell phone on the bed. "NO! It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. No, it is impossible for it to exist. The ninjas wouldn't be that cruel. We had an agreement! They could torture me all they wanted, but having…that…was not allowed. It was too inhumane, unethical, and unthinkable. That's what everyone agreed on. PETA said so. The UN said so. The Girl Scouts even agreed to it! They were willing to sacrifice their whole stock of Thin Mints with the understanding that _it_ would never exist. And that was their number one cookie! No. It doesn't exist."

"Potter! Potter," a voice yelled, though the noise was slightly muffled. "Get a hold of yourself this instance!"

Harry started, quickly realizing that he had gone into one of his panic mode. That tended to happen when he heard m****** e***. Those two words were banned from the flat after a certain incident in the living room, so hearing them again had initiated a violent reaction.

"Sorry about that," he apologized as soon as he recovered his phone.

"There are days when I feel like I'm dating a bloody toddler," Severus complained. "You will not make me a pedophile, Potter. Is that clear?"

Unconsciously, Harry started nodding. At times like these, Harry wondered if Severus was some kind of strict teacher or military leader in his past life. It would fit the man's personality perfectly.

"Yes, sir."

He heard Severus sigh again. "Is it too late for you to drop the class," the older man asked, sounding drained of energy.

"I can't," Harry responded sadly. "It's a prerequisite for another class I have to take next semester. If I don't pass this class, I'll have to graduate a whole year late."

"Well, you better go make some compromise with that boy, then. If you continue at this rate, you won't stand a chance of passing."

"Did I ever tell you that I find your blatancy attractive," Harry purred.

"That's cute, Potter, but I'm not helping you with your lab."

Fail.

Harry groaned. Why couldn't he have a more simple life? Was that so impossible?

"Fine. I'll just quit school and move in with you. I can walk with you to work, pack you bagged lunches, meet your coworkers, talk with you during your breaks—"

"Do you even know how to cook?"

"Who can't make a ham and cheese sandwich?"

"Probably the same group of people who see Co and think of Colorado."

Severus would just not let that go, would he? Harry makes one mistake… "Let's change subjects."

"Gladly. The thought of you trying to prepare food is disturbing to say the least."

Harry snorted. His boyfriend didn't know it, but Harry was actually in charge of making lunch for his two roommates. Just yesterday he had finished a devastatingly delicious pot of chicken-flavored ramen with a side of freshly mixed Kool-Aid. Ron was still raving about it. If the whole medical thing didn't work out, he figured he could even consider joining Top Chef as a plan B. For the time being, Harry decided to leave his cooking skills a secret. Maybe he could surprise his guard with a yummy late-night dinner one day.

"Enough about me. How was your day at work?"

The older man guard hummed thoughtfully. "Well, there was this little boy who reminded me of you."

This was interesting. "Really?"

"Yes. He had dark hair and was playing with his glasses–"

"Aww."

"—but he kept whining about his kindergarten teacher. His whole 'cute' look was an act. I've never met such an annoying child in my life. The brat gave every one of the guards a headache. It was bloody awful. We are going to talk to the Queen about getting him exiled."

Harry frowned. "That's lovely," he said dryly.

"Oh, that's not it."

"Oh, joy. There is more."

"Yes, there is. After work I went back to Molly's Bakery and sat at our table."

Smiling again, Harry wondered why it was so easy to forgive the older man. "You missed me, didn't you?"

"No, I was chewing on my scone, thinking about the little boy," the guard replied sarcastically.

"Eww, Sev! I thought you said you _weren't_ a pedophile!"

And that's when Severus really did hang up on Harry. Fortunately, the college student was too busy laughing to be offended.

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><p>For an entire week Harry had tried to convince Severus and Draco to forgive him and help him with his lab with no luck. They both wanted Harry to learn a lesson. Lesson one was that Harry should try harder to understand the material on his own. Lesson two was that Harry should not associate himself with people with no sense of fashion. Because Harry had failed to show that he had learned either of those lessons, he had received zero help. Consequently, he got a zero on his lab assignment.<p>

Harry didn't like zeroes, so for the past two days he had been trying to show that chemistry couldn't defeat him. As such, he was working very diligently on his newest lab with a new level of determination. In fact, he had managed to fill in a few of the answers. For example, there was a part that asked for his name and then a part asking for the date. To most, it probably seemed like nothing, but for Harry, it was a small accomplishment to be proud of. Writing "Harry Potter" on the first page of his lab showed initiative. It showed promise for the future. It showed that he actually had intentions to finish. Any teacher would recognize his effort give him partial credit, right?

Yeah, Harry didn't think so either. For that reason, he was allocating his time in a 1to 3 ratio. That meant one minute spent trying to translate his lab, and three hours surfing the web and watching television. Was it efficient? Perhaps not, but Harry didn't regret it. Besides, it was during the second hour of his twelfth break that he noticed _it_.

If one were to believe every word out of the mouths of Ron's older brothers, _it_ was for academic research – an essential part of some class project worth a whopping fifty percent of their final grade. But Harry had spent enough time around George and Fred to know that their newest "experiment" had little to do with graduate school and more to do with their penchant for shameless jokes.

Perhaps it was childish, but Harry blamed the Ninja Chemistry Conspirators. If they had made Organic Chemistry just a teeny bit easier, Harry's brain might have been able to warn him ahead of time. The twin's hadn't messed with him much after the "Men are like" calendar, which should have been strange because months had passed since then. They knew about Harry's relationship with Severus, and they even knew about Harry's tentative friendship with Draco. Yet things had been relatively peaceful for the past weeks (note: this excludes the day where Hermione accidentally slipped up and started talking about m***** e***s, but she had already stitched up the pillows so it never happened). Too peaceful, apparently.

Normally when Harry logged onto his Facebook account, he was greeted with the updated statuses of his friends. Today, for instance, Luna Lovegood had to calm down her pet unicorn that had been told by an unreliable leprechaun that there would be a rainbow this morning. Yeah…Harry never knew what to make of Luna's statuses. Nonetheless, he wrote some consoling comment about not trusting midgets with red hair and green suits and went over to his profile.

Normally when Harry visited his profile page, the first thing he saw was the profile picture of him standing beside Severus the very first day. Hermione had taken the picture when he wasn't looking, so he was making some weird (and admittedly not very attractive) facial expression. Still, it was the only photo that he had with his boyfriend, so Harry decided to use it anyways. Severus hadn't been particularly happy about it at first, but Harry told white lie and convinved the guard that only the two of them could see it. But today wasn't a normal day. Why? Because the picture was gone.

And that wasn't all.

His profile picture had been replaced with a photoshopped picture of Harry and Draco together. There were pink hearts scattered around the edges, and the blonde wasn't wearing his usual I'm-Sexy-And-I-Know-It Smile that he typically reserved for photo shots. Instead, the trust fund baby looked like he was legitimately smiling. Harry looked happy too, and anyone could mistake them for a real couple if they didn't know any better.

And that wasn't all.

Somehow, the background color of his profile page matched perfectly with the shirt Draco was wearing in the photo. His current status was a few lines of poetry dedicated to Draco. His list of recent activities claimed that he had uploaded twenty more pictures tagged with him and Draco. Worst of all, the list said that he was in a new relationship…with Draco Malfoy. 72 people had already liked it, and 30 people wrote him congratulatory messages about it.

"Bloody hell," Harry mumbled.

Noticing that he had an unread message, he skimmed through Fred's message. He claimed that he and his brother were planning on discussing the insecurity of using the Internet today with a primary focus on the dangers of Internet hackers. They volunteered Harry's Facebook page to be an example of potential disasters and were collecting data on how quickly it took them to change everything and how different people responded to it.

Harry could already tell them that Severus was not going to be happy about it. From the very beginning, the older man had never approved of Harry's relationship with the blonde. While he never gave an explicit reason why, Severus made it more than clear that he was no fan of Draco's. Thankfully, Severus understood that Harry's grade and future heavily depended on the trust fund baby. Sadly, the chances that the guard would be understanding of the twins' pranks would be slim to none.

Harry picked up his phone and frantically dialed his boyfriend's number in hopes of explaining everything before it got too out of hand. It went straight to voicemail.

He tried sending a text message and waited twenty minutes for a reply that never came.

Turning back to his laptop, Harry thought he might be able to reach Severus through his Facebook page, but when he typed the man's name into the search bar, Severus Snape got zero results. When Harry searched under his list of friends, Severus's name didn't pop up.

Severus was gone.

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><p><strong>AN:** I was having a serious brain fart for what to do in the second half of this chapter until maybe three hours ago. Fred and George helped bring Harry and Severus together, but what if they end up tearing them apart?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N**: So many reviews! Yay! I hope all of you like this newest chapter. ;)

**Lady DestinyHope**: I had no idea that people actually had the trouble when they learned the periodic table. I can see how that could happen, though. I hope that your friend did well in chemistry in the end. God knows that Chemistry was never one of my favorite classes…Enjoy the chapter!

**daemonkieran**: Yes, some friends do take jokes too far. The twins didn't mean any harm, though.

**Tokugawa Blitzer**: lol Harry is having some trouble with school. Fred and George certainly aren't making it easier on him, either. Poor Harry.

: Have you gotten a chance to try the candy trick yet? Lol I like "Death with Chemicals"! I am so happy that I managed to make a reader laugh! I hope you like this chapter, too. Thanks for leaving that awesome review!

**marksmom**: What Fred and George did was wrong, but I'm not sure if they can fix everything. We'll just have to wait and see. Thanks for reading!

**Luv 2 cry**: Harry will keep on suffering, sadly. He isn't prepared like you are for midterms. Let's just say that he needs help. You'll see a jealous Severus come up later. ;)

**Sheankelor**: Harry would probably die in Organic Chemistry II. Calc based Physics sounds like torture. *shivers* I don't think he would survive any of those classes.

**Kagegausui-Chan**: Rotfl I'm sure that if you did that, Severus would understand and come back to Harry. Maybe we should bring you into the story!

**AlmondWithUnicornHair**: Yay! I'm so happy that you loved it so much. Harry tries so hard to do well in chemistry, but things just aren't going his way. If only the ninjas would just leave him alone…

**MareGB**: Awww, I'm not trying to be mean. Lol Be mad at the twins, not me!

**ryuzuu**: lol I'm sure that Harry appreciates your help and concern. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

**Joytiger**: They will come back together before the end of the story, but that is all I am willing to say right now. I hope you like this chapter!

**DesperateLoveKoi**: I'm glad that you've found my story funny and were able to share parts of it with your friends! This chapter is dedicated just to you! :D

**LemonDropsWoolSocks**: If only Harry had another calendar…it would probably come in quite handy. Enjoy this chapter!

**Sydney-Jo**: Well, yes. As you will see, Harry will go crazy… Many others thought that Harry should fly back to London. You'll just have to see what happens. And don't beat up Fred and George too much. I need them for my story. ;)

**madxhatter**: Sorry about the americanisms. It's hard for me not to include them. I hope that they don't completely mess with your enjoyment of the story!

**Hedwig-hoots**: I like your username, by the way. Harry is too determined to give up on Severus easily. He's a fighter.

**Nocturnal Rose**: Yay! I am so happy to hear you say that! I hope you really like this chapter, too.

**kaja1234**: Gred and forge? Lol Cute names. The twins can be troublesome at times. What more can I say?

**Serpent91**: *bows* Why thank you. I'm glad that you were disappointed.

**ShadowofaDarkSlytherin**: No need to worry. They will get back together. I just needed to make them go through some obstacles before they got their happy ending. You can't have a story without conflict (sadly).

**Evi15**: Don't cry! I promise that this story will have a happy ending! :)

**Simply Alex**: I'm glad that you think that my story is getting better! I was just joking. Please feel free to write more about what you think will happen next. I'd like to see how accurate you are. That is a very good question. I did not mention where Harry went to school on purpose. If anyone complained that I was using too many Americanism (which somebody actually has), I planned on saying that Harry could be in college in the U.S. In my head, he is in school in Scotland like Hogwarts. If you had a request on what school you would like to see him attend, I would be open to it.

**Misa-chan96**: Oh! Don't be mad at Draco. He had no part in the Facebook stuff. You should turn your anger towards the twins. They are very naughty boys! Anyways, I hope you like this chapter!

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><p>"That's actually my best angle," Draco commented, pulling a loose strand of hair away from his face.<p>

Harry just stared. "This isn't an interview with a modeling agency, Draco. Nobody cares about how you look in the bloody picture. We're trying to talk about how those two destroyed my relationship," he clarified, pointing accusingly at the redheads seated opposite him.

Fred and George whistled innocently and pretended to inspect the restaurant. Harry had called them in for a meeting to discuss the Facebook Fiasco, and he chose Rita's as the meeting place. Hopefully, being in a public place would keep Harry's anger in check (though proximity to sharp weapons like forks and knives was going to pose a slight problem…). Once Draco found out about the meeting, he immediately invited himself over. To be honest, Harry hadn't even blinked an eye when the blonde walked through the doors of the Italian restaurant. The young man liked to be involved in everything.

"You can't destroy something that doesn't exist," Draco chided.

"Like I have told you a thousand times, Severus is real," Harry growled, his fist tightening around his glass of Pepsi.

"Then call him and let me speak to him," the blonde challenged.

"That's why we're here. He won't talk to me anymore, and it is all _their_ fault."

"May I just say that your shirt that day really complimented your eyes," Fred complimented, clearly trying to change the subject.

Draco answered back with an immediate smile and then a look of confusion. Harry rolled his eyes, easily reading his friend. Draco practically fed off of compliments, and his admirers always won his favor. On the other hand, he simultaneously held a strong sense of disgust towards Ron (aka Mr. Hillbilly), and any relative had to be equally disgusting by association. So while Draco battled with his mixed emotions, Harry took advantage of the boy's momentary silence.

"So who is going to explain to me why my life is in ruins," he questioned.

George finally took his eyes away from the checkered tablecloth. "It was just supposed to be a joke, mate," the twin explained. "We didn't mean to do any harm."

"That's right," his brother chimed in. "You were always telling us how funny he was. I thought he would get a good laugh out of it."

The brunette knew Ron's siblings well enough to tell when they were sincerely apologetic. He could tell from the looks on their faces that they genuinely believed that their Facebook hacking wouldn't end up the way it had. However, that didn't mean that they were forgiven. Harry couldn't even imagine Severus's first reaction upon reading that his boyfriend was now dating the one boy he inexplicably hated. Well, okay. That wasn't necessarily true. Harry could easily conjure a list of curses that the other man probably spewed out after his discovery.

"Well, he didn't, and now he is gone," Harry replied in a mixture of anger and sadness.

"We'll turn your page back to normal as soon as we get back," George promised.

Harry shook his head. What good would that do? Harry had been the guard's only online friend, so there was no reason for Severus to ever log in again.

"That won't change anything," Harry guessed.

"You guys are looking at this the wrong way," Draco proclaimed. Trying to hold back a groan, Harry waited for the man to continue. "For your sake, I will play along and act as if Severus is actually real. Now, if Severus won't pick up his phone or answer text messages, the only thing left to do is to confront him head on. I say that we buy tickets to London, march into Buckingham Palace, and find your boyfriend. Then we can explain the whole situation, and he will forgive you. Problem solved."

Only someone like Draco could come up with a plan like that, completing forgetting a tiny detail. "May I remind you that I wear Hanes briefs," Harry asked.

Fred and George turned to each other, silently shared some message, and then shrugged. "We don't follow," they admitted in unison.

Draco huffed. "He thinks I've forgotten that he barely has enough money to afford his rent and the shabby clothes on his back. I mean, I thought that people only used flannel shirts to wash their cars. Who knew that people actually wore those things in public? But what I was implying was that I would be more than willing to pay for the tickets, so you don't have to worry," he said. "My only request is that you let me pack your clothes for you."

"I hope you're not seriously considering that offer," a female voice said.

Harry turned to admire the gall of their waitress for jumping into their conversation and revealing that she had been rudely eavesdropping. Being in such an unstable and upset mood made Harry slightly unpredictable. How did the waitress know that her brunette client wouldn't do something drastic with his spoon? Harry didn't want to harm an innocent young woman, but there was no controlling his actions today. And if it came to a lawsuit later, he would plea temporary insanity. The jury would surely agree. All he had to do was put Fred and George on stand, and they'd see. Nobody could stay with the twins for more than an hour before going a bit mental. It was only natural.

"Sorry, mate, she got suspicious and started asking where you lot were. It was either give up your location or wear pink boxers for the rest of the year. You understand, don't you," a male voice questioned.

Withdrawing himself from his hypothetical trial (he had been winning, in case you were wondering), Harry realized that their waitress wasn't the one who had just spoken. In front of him stood a fuming Hermione Granger and a nervous Ron Weasley, which only caused Harry to groan. Ron was under strict instructions to keep Hermione out of this and had clearly failed to follow them. With the female genius there, Harry have to act polite and reasonable or face long lectures from Hermione. That meant no death threats, no knife attacks, and limited arguing. Great.

"Nevermind the money, Harry. Did you forget that you have classes to go to," Hermione reminded her friend, adopting the tone of a disappointed mother. "Classes that you are currently close to _failing_."

Harry glared at the girl, but when the glare was returned heatedly, he grumbled and looked down at his menu. Leave it to Hermione to bring up school. Could chemistry leave him alone for just one moment? Did ninjas not take vacations? Didn't they need time to prepare for the next attack? Sharpen up the edges of a few broken beakers? Get mercury from thermometers? Steal things from his lab table?

"He could go for a weekend, couldn't he," George asked cautiously.

Harry shook his head in agreement, but Hermione was shaking her head, too. Sadly, something told her that she wasn't on their side about this one.

"He needs to study for Mister Mad Mex," she protested, grabbing any empty chair and bringing it up to the table. Ron followed suit.

"What kind of test is that," Fred asked.

"It's an anagram," she explained patiently.

Draco's thin eyebrows drew together. "Is that where you can spell a word backwards and forwards the same way," he guessed.

"Oh! Like racecar," Ron exclaimed.

"Madam, I'm Adam," George tossed out.

"Bombard a drab mob," Fred said.

"Eva, can I stab bats in a cave," George asked.

"Lonley Tylenol," Fred added.

"Mr. Owl ate my metal worm."

"Yo, banana boy!"

It just so happened that a teenaged boy wearing a yellow t-shirt and yellow trainers walked by their table at that precise moment. Affronted, the banana boy flipped them the bird and strode out of Rita's with his pizza delivery box like only a fifteen year old would. Harry, Ron, and the twins exploded with laughter as Hermione crossed her arms and Draco gasped.

"Whoever sold him those shoes should be given a life sentence," Draco said slowly, still in shock. "They were absolutely hideous."

"You boys need to stop acting like children and grow up," Hermione chastised. "Boys at that age are very sensitive. One of you should have apologized."

Eventually, the boys sobered up and tried to pay attention as their female friend explained that palindromes were completely different than anagrams. Anagrams were actually words that had their letters mixed around so that they were out of order. Yo well, for example, would be an anagram for yellow. Fred and George then spent several minutes to decipher what "mister mad mex" with Draco and Harry's help, scribbling on napkins with the crayons they stole off another table.

"Mad t-rex mism," Fred blurted before shaking his head. "No, that doesn't make any sense."

"Ram, mist me," George tried. "No, that doesn't work."

"Raid Texas," Draco shouted with pride, his napkin held up for the whole table to see. All they could see was a poorly drawn outline of the United States and what appeared to be red rockets in the corners.

Harry reached over and lowered the blonde's hands. "Raid Texas doesn't even use all of the letters," he pointed out.

"What do you know, Potter," Draco bit back, obviously disappointed that he hadn't solved the mystery.

"Ron," Harry called. "What do you think it stands for?"

The youngest redhead was sitting napkinless, and something told Harry that his mate could crack this code if he tried. Strangely, Harry was met with silence. Looking up from his work, Harry couldn't help noticing that Ron looked terribly guilty. His brothers noticed, too.

"You know the answer, don't you," Fred accused, a mischievous smile on his face.

"I-I don't know what you're t-talking about," the younger sibling lied.

George wagged his pointer finger. "I beg to differ," he said. "Hermione already told you what it means, hasn't she?"

Ron and his fiancée didn't say a word.

"Well," Harry prompted, waiting a few seconds to see if his mate would finally speak up. "Ron, honestly. If you don't tell us what Mister Mad Mex stands for, Draco here will send a bloody brigade off to Houston. If you won't do it for me, do it to for the innocent Texans. Thay don't deserve Draco's misguided rash."

"I promise you, Harry. You really don't want to know," Ron claimed.

"No, let's hear it," Harry protested.

"If you insist…Mister Mad Mex stands for…midterm exams."

Twitching. Moments of darkness. The rattling of ice. Coolness on his hand. Something wet on his lap.

Ninjas. Ninja Chemistry Conspirators. Five of them.

The banana boy! Had he been a spy all this time! He told them Harry's location!

For some reason, his eyes sealed shut, and Harry could feel the spilt mercury seeping through his jeans. If there was one thing that he actually managed to take out of his chemistry class, it was that mercury could be fatal if it was absorbed into your skin.

"I'll give you whatever you want," he promised. "Just don't hurt me. I'm too young to die this way! Have mercy on my soul!"

Somebody sighed, and Harry gathered up enough courage to finally open his eyes.

"Harry, it's just us. Ron and I aren't going to harm you," Hermione soothed.

As the brunette came back to reality, he immediately felt ashamed of himself for thinking his friends were one of _them_. It just showed how far they would go to break him down mentally. They haunted him at every waking moment, and it was taking a huge toll on the poor chemistry student. He wasn't sure if he could take it anymore. Besides, at this rate, it was only a matter of time before his flatmates sent him off to the loony bin. He was grateful when is seemed like the group had come to a consensus not to bring up his mental breakdown.

"Maybe you could try writing him a letter," he suggested.

Harry's forehead furrowed. "Why? The ninjas won't read it," he said with assurance. The ninjas weren't going to make any kind of compromise with him. They wanted WAR. "I'm not sure if they even know English. I think that prefer to communicate in Chemgibberish. Probably so that I can't figure out what they are saying."

Fred looked very confused. "What ninjas," he questioned, turning around in his chair to find them.

"Don't bother. You'll never be able to see them. They're too good," Harry replied, unconsciously lowering his voice in apprehension.

Awkward silence.

"Harry, I think George was talking about Severus," Hermione clarified, coming to the rescue.

"That's not a bad idea, actually," Draco commented. "He has to read his mail, right?"

"You probably shouldn't write a return address, though," Ron advised. "That way he won't know who it is from until he actually opens it."

Harry thought it over silently. The Internet was no longer an answer to his problems. Severus hadn't returned a single email, and Facebook was completely out of the question. Because the older man wouldn't answer his calls, it was safe to say that his phone was getting him nowhere. Maybe it was time to actually give snail mail a shot. It was worth a try, at the very least.

Harry nodded. He would write a Severus a letter.

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><p>Unfortunately, before Harry could even get to his letter writing, he had to face the monster called Mister Mad Mex…<p>

Monday: General Physics Xame

Health Status: Head hurts extremely

Diagnosis: C+

Tuesday: Latin 1 and Principles of Human Anatomy and Development Xames (i.e. Brain Bashing Part 2)

Health Status: ¿Et tu, Brute?

Diagnosis: B-, B

Wednesday: Immunology Xame

Health Status: Brain dead

Diagnosis: B

Thursday: Cell Biology Xame

Health Status: Every cell in his brain bloody HURTS, damn it. Make it stop!

Diagnosis: C+

Friday: Organic Chemistry 1 Xame

Health Status:

Diagnosis: F

And so the Ninja Chemistry Conspirators won again.

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><p><strong>AN:** I know that many of you wanted to see Harry fly over to London to fix things with Severus, but I just couldn't see Hermione letting Harry do that knowing how poorly he was doing in school. Besides, I don't think the Ninjas would appreciate being abandoned.

The whole palindrome thing was actually based on a conversation my friends had yesterday when I mentioned that it was 2/1/12. I asked them what you call words that you can spell the same backwards and forwards (ex. Hannah), and they just had a field day with it…

And then I learned a bit about bananas in one of my classes today!

Anyways, I ask that you give Harry a bit more time to figure out a way to reconnect with Severus.

Thanks for reading!

OH! OH! Wait, guys! I found this online earlier this week and thought that some of you might appreciate it…

Men are like Bluetooth; he is connected to you when you are nearby, but searches for other devices when you are away.

Women are like Wi-Fi; she sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one.

Marginal Benefits


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** I have over 100 reviews now! I'm totally speechless! Thank you all so much! I'm always so nervous when I add another chapter, but your words of encouragement and advice always make me feel much better. You all are OUTSTANDING!

**Lady DestinyHope**: Impractical is just the word I was looking for. I mean how realistic is it to randomly fly to London in the middle of the semester? I think it was nice of Draco to suggest the idea, though.

**joytiger**: Thanks for the review! I have my fingers crossed that you will like this chapter, too.

**ShadowofaDarkSlytherin**: I hope it gets happier, too! Lol Harry and Severus are just going through a rough patch right now. I couldn't end the story without them being reunited, though.

**Bakanika**: To be honest, it would take some effort to list all of the US states myself. The periodic table, on the other hand, would be a lost cause for me. I'm happy enough to know what H20 stands for. Thanks for the Polish palindrome! I tried to pronounce it, but it came out funny… I have an awful memory, so please remind me. Did I suggest that you watch BBC's Sherlock or did you stumble upon that treasure on your own? Either way, I'm glad that you liked it so much! I agree that Cumberbatch does a better Sherlock in comparison to Robert Downey Jr. (who just had a baby boy in case you didn't know).

**daemonkieran**: lol I hope your friend, Eva, isn't too suspicious of your sudden interest in stabbing random bats.

**Evi15**: I laugh whenever I get to your reviews because I have to make a conscientious effort to not type "Evil" every single time. Anyways, you are completely right. Chemistry ninjas are no joking matter.

**Nocturnal Rose**: I'm happy to hear that you liked chapter 6. Hopefully, chapter 7 will be just as good!

**Sydney-Jo**: That's the question. Will Harry go to London? Will Harry ever get Severus back? You'll just have to wait and see… Thanks for the encouraging review!

**Luv 2 cry**: Yay! I'm very happy that you like the ninjas! Thanks for the review!

**Tokugawa Blitzer**: I'm glad that you enjoyed Harry's struggle over midterms. That poor boy needs some help ASAP before the evil ninjas drive him completely crazy.

**DesperateLoveKoi**: Haha I love you, too! I got the jokes at the end of the last chapter from a random facebook page I stumbled upon. If I find any more like them, I will send you the link. ;)

**Serpent91**: You know how there are just people that are bad at taking tests? I think Harry is one of them. Lol Thanks for the review!

**danniperson**: Thanks for the compliments! I hope you enjoy this update!

**SimplyAlex**: Aww! You're too nice! Yes, the diagnosis was supposed to indicate his real grades. I think that Harry should be worried about his finals, too. I totally agree with you that Severus would never respond to Harry's letters. That just didn't seem realistic to me.

**LemonDropsWoolSocks**: Thanks for the review! The ninjas back off for a while in this chapter, but you never really know what they're going to do next… Anyways, I hope that this chapter does not disappoint!

**burakkuneko**: Thank you so much for taking the time to write that wonderful review! I am very happy that I you like this AU story and that you were able to laugh during some of it.

**Misa-chan96**: The ninjas are just too evil, but don't worry. They don't stand a chance against snarry love. lol

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><p>It turned out that Fred and George were <em>not<em> the only computer hackers Harry had to worry about. Without Harry's knowledge or permission, Hermione Granger had found a way into his online student account and got access to less than perfect his test scores. The moment that her eyes caught the glimpse of that saw one, single F, the scholarly role model snapped. There were waving fingers, shaking heads, frustrated sighs, loud yelling, relentless chasing, and a new "locked-in" policy. Every day after Harry's classes were over, he was shoved into his room with his backpack while his mates stood guard over the door. The only times that the door was allowed to open were for food breaks. Meanwhile, Harry was presumably studying for his classes, but he didn't quite see the point anymore. After bombing the organic chemistry xame, the brunette could only be saved by a miracle. So instead of wasting his time trying to understand the chapter about nuclephilic addition, Harry tried to accomplish bigger and better things.

In particular, he was working on a design to create a time machine that would bring him back to stop organic chemistry from every coming into existence. Over the past few days, he had run into several complications. For starters, Harry was no engineer. His sketches pretty much consisted of ragged rectangular prisms that he'd colored in with colored pencils. Another problem was the fact that Harry didn't exactly know who he should be targeting. Who was the founder of organic chemistry? Who wrote the first organic chemistry textbook? These were all questions that remained unanswered as Harry struggled to decipher the history section of his own textbook. Nonetheless, the brunette was determined to fight back. If he couldn't use his brains to ace an exam, he would team up with Crayola to destroy chemistry altogether.

Just as Harry was sharpening his war gear (i.e. art supplies), he heard a knock on the door followed by a loud gasp.

"That's him," a hushed voice asked incredulously.

"Yep," another answered.

"So you're telling me that he's actually _real_," the first whispered.

"Yep," the second repeated.

"I mean…That's him," the first asked again.

"Will one of you just open the bloody door before he leaves," a frustrated girl questioned.

Highly suspicious, Harry decided to figure out what the trio was being so secretive about. Thankfully, the group was too busy to notice Harry slink out of his bedroom and enter the living room. As Draco, Ron, and Hermione smashed up against the door, the boys fighting for a spot in front of the peephole, the brunette tried to guess what was causing such a commotion. It was strange enough that Draco was there considering the fact that he hadn't set a foot in their flat in weeks. But from what Harry had heard, he could only come up with two viable guesses. Either Santa Claus had come early or…

Severus.

Somebody, Harry already forgot who, had opened the door, and there he was standing in front of him. For a second, the young man couldn't even breathe. All those weeks apart had somehow dulled the guard's image in Harry's mind, but now it was like a fog had cleared. He could see the black strands of hair lying on the man's shoulders. He could count every single eyelash. He could follow the curve of his nose. He could watch the tiny downturn of his thin lips. It was amazing how many little things, little details that Harry had missed.

Walking forward in a trance, the brunette stepped closer to the British man, completely oblivious of anything and anyone else.

"You're here," Harry whispered in awe, reaching out for a hug.

Severus snorted and strategically maneuvered his green suitcase in front from the advancing man. "I'm not here for you, Potter," he spat.

Frowning, Harry realized that he was lost. "But didn't you read any of my letters," he questioned. He had sent at least six.

"You mean that rubbish you sent about twins and pranks? Certainly not," the older man replied.

The college student shook his head in denial. This was not how their reunion was supposed to go, and Harry would know because he dreamt about it several times. Ideally, Harry would walk into his flat after completing a shockingly easy chemistry test when he would notice a familiar, grinning figure lounging on his couch. As Harry got closer, he would see that the dark-haired man carried a box of chocolate chip scones from Molly's in one hand and a cage in the other. After Harry identified the caged creatures as the Chemistry Conspirator Ninjas, he would break into spontaneous tears and hug his knight in shining armor (a.k.a. guard carrying a shiny cage). Seeing as how his hug had been rejected and there were no baked goods in plain sight, Harry could already tell that things were not going to turn out well. His stomach rumbled in agreement.

"If you aren't here for the letters, then why are you here then," he questioned. It was more than obvious that Harry had not been forgiven. What could have possibly have brought the man to his doorsteps now?

"I am here, Mr. Potter, because you insist upon associating yourself with annoying, insufferable brats who have a complete disregard for people's time and their hard earned money," Severus complained.

Harry had the gut feeling that Severus wasn't talking about the twins anymore. Turning his head, he looked back at his three friends in hope of receiving some kind of explanation. Were they to thank (or perhaps blame would be the better word choice) for the angry man's presence? He couldn't read anything on the blonde's face, which was hidden behind his flashing iPhone. Praying that the guard wouldn't realize that he was being photographed, Harry turned his gaze to the remaining people in the room. Although neither of them was eager to speak up, Ron's fiancée finally gave in.

"I guess we should explain ourselves, then. Well, we knew you needed help with your studies," Hermione started.

"And that there was no way that I was returning to this fashion-backwards dump," Draco continued, receiving a glare from the curly-haired girl. "With your budget, hiring an actual tutor wasn't an option, either."

"So we made a plan to get Severus to come and help you," Ron added cheerfully.

"We have been sending texts, leaving voice messages, and writing emails to him every day since your grades were released," the girl explained.

"Mind you, I am on a strict cell phone plan that allows for a _limited_ number of text messages per month and excludes all international calls. Because of your three friends, I now owe O2 $459 due at the end of this month," Severus growled. "Nevermind the fact that I am the laughing stock at Buckingham. I don't know how you fools got a hold of the Queen's personal address, but don't be surprised if you get a visit from a pair of MI5 agents."

"That would actually be Fred and George's doing," Ron clarified, recognizing the danger of being on the bad side of the British equivalent of the FBI.

Severus rolled his eyes. "Of course," he grumbled. "Nonetheless, I plan on suing the lot of you for threatening and harassing an innocent British citizen."

"Threatening," Harry echoed in disbelief. What more had his friends done?

"We promised never to stop calling and texting him until he agreed to help us. When _that _didn't work, we started threatening to expose him as a pedophile to the Queen. We tried to give him fair warning, sending out one or two suggestible pictures to a few of his coworkers. Once he saw that we actually had her Highness's address, he started taking us serious," Draco explained proudly.

It was clear that Severus did not share the same sense of pride and accomplishment. "There are not even enough words on this planet to articulate my hatred for you," he hissed as the blonde pouted.

Despite the fact that their meeting wasn't ideal, Harry found that he was genuinely grateful for his friends and all the effort they put into saving Harry's relationship. Even Draco had pitched in (though he probably had his own motives). And the twins had broken the law to try to help him. Undoubtedly, his mates were a strange bunch, but Harry did not know what he would do without them. More importantly, he was not about to let their efforts go to waste. Right now, his only goal was to win back his boyfriend, psychotic ninjas be damned.

"Listen, Living Larry, I'm the one who paid for your flight tickets in case you've forgotten, and I think I deserve some gratitude," Draco argued.

Poor Draco. He didn't know Severus Snape at all.

"Gratitude? How about I wait until after we get to the hotel before I call the police to show my appreciation for all the hell you've put me through," he suggested sarcastically.

Draco looked at Ron who looked at Hermione who looked at Severus who closed his eyes and looked at no one.

"Let me guess. You imbeciles didn't make the presence of mind to make hotel arrangements," the older man surmised, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"What," Draco asked defensively. "I had to leave some money for my accessories budget. Cartier is coming out with a new watch this weekend. I can't sacrifice my _entire _life for you people, you know."

While Ron and Harry tried to imagine what the trust fund baby's complete budget looked like (an accessories budget, a shoe budget, a jeans budget, a slacks budget, a blazer budget, etc.), Hermione attempted to soothe the agitated traveller who was not in the least bit amused by his current predicament.

"We have plenty of room in the flat. You should just stay with us," she offered politely. That was a lie, of course. It was a 2-person flat trying to satisfy a group of 3. But if Severus shared a room with Harry…

"Absolutely not. I agreed to help that idiot pass his science class, and that was it. Now if you excuse me, I need to look up the number for the furthest Hilton hotel."

As the man started to back out into the hallway, Harry decided that he couldn't let the guard leave his side ever again. After what happened last time, there was no guarantee that Severus would ever come back if he were to disappear now. In order for Harry to even have a chance of fixing everything, he needed Severus as close by as possible.

"If you take another step, I will call Fred and George," the young man warned.

Severus paused and lifted an eyebrow.

"Do you honestly believe that those two delinquents frighten me," the foreigner asked.

"Not by themselves, no. Combined with PhotoShop, yes," Harry answered.

"What are you implying?" He narrowed his eyes.

To be truthful, Harry really didn't want to pray on the man's fears, but desperate times called for desperate measures. And Harry was BEYOND desperate. Sometimes, you just had to play dirty.

"I'm not implying anything, but let me just tell you the facts. Draco already has six photos of you saved onto his phone." Severus whipped over to the blonde who waved his phone teasingly. "It will take him precisely one minute to send those pictures to the twins, and it will take even less time for Google to find images of little Jimmy. A few cuts here. Some pasting there…Well, I'm sure you can connect the dots."

Severus silent stared at the brunette as if he was trying to gauge how serious the threat really was.

"I hope you're proud of yourself," Severus proclaimed before pushing his way inside.

* * *

><p>With Draco gone, Severus seemed to be in a slightly better mood, if you consider two growls, four snarls, and 16 eye rolls as any kind of improvement. After confiscating their phones and laptops, Severus made sure that none of them would ever be able to bother him again. Only then did he agree to stay in the flat, giving the trio very little time to make the proper arrangements for their guest. Hermione rushed out to do some quick grocery shopping, Harry tried to tidy up his room, and Ron decided to take the opportunity to work on his laundry skills. By the time all of the tasks were completed, it was time for the three best friends to usher guard into his temporary room, Harry's bedroom.<p>

Although Severus didn't explicitly say anything, it was more than obvious that Harry's room failed to compete with the Hilton. Still, it was a better alternative to the sofa, which would have killed the man's back. Displeased with his new living conditions, Severus spent several minutes surveying the room from the doorway, making the occasional snort.

"Is it too much to expect clean sheets," the guard wondered, finally entering the room. Harry supposed that his room passed the man's investigation.

Rushing forward, Ron was eager to show off his handiwork. After pushing aside a pillow, he lifted the cover up to reveal the linen underneath.

"I should have known," the older man mumbled as the pink-tinted material was revealed.

Well, there went the last of Harry's white sheets.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** This has been a crazy week for me, and I'm kind of bummed that I was not able to upload this chapter last night. :( Because stupid work and whatever weird thing was going in with ffnet log in thing, I had to post this chapter so late.

Anyways, it seems like Harry and his friends have some serious issues what with Harry and the ninjas, Ron and his laundry fails, Draco and his obsession with fashion, and Severus and his pedophile fears.

While this isn't exactly how I had planned the story, I hope I made some of you happy by bringing Severus back. I figured that it didn't make much sense to keep Severus away for too long in a snarry story.

Oh, and O2 is apparently a British cell phone service. Go figure.

Marginal Benefits


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N**: Once again, I want to thank all of you for reading my silly little story. It's almost finished now, so I'm glad that you guys have stuck around! Please enjoy this chapter!

**marksmom**: I know, right? I kept trying to log in, but FF wouldn't let me do it. I don't know what went wrong, but I'm glad that it all fixed now. Thanks for reviewing!

**Tokugawa Blitzer**: I wasn't expecting for Severus to reenter that way, either. I just kind of got tired of having chapters without him in it. I'm glad that my writing made you laugh! :)

**danniperson**: Thank you for all of the cookies and brownies! My stomach is now very full and very happy! Thanks for writing that sweet review.

**Sydney-Jo**: lol I'm sure that Harry was very disappointed that Severus didn't come back with a few caged ninjas in hand. Maybe one day he will finally be able to conquer them.

**sev's-sexy-mistress**: Lol. How did you know that Severus would come? I probably will not have chapters with Severus's point of view. My other story is more focused on Severus's POV, so I wanted to challenge myself and do another one with just Harry's perspective. I hope you don't mind too much!

**AlmondWithUnicornHair**: When will Ron learn how to do laundy properly? Anyways, thanks for the awesome review!

**kaja1234**: I hope that they kiss and make up, too! Thanks for writing me a review!

**Luv 2 cry**: Because I didn't like having Severus absent from so many chapters of a snarry story, I made the decision to bring him back in. I can't wait to hear what you think of this newest update!

**joytiger**: That's a relief. I wasn't 100% positive that O2 was a popular/well-known provider. You're from Germany? That's intense! I have a couple of awesome friends from there. Anyways, I hope you like this new chapter.

**Sithtar**: I completely understand your reaction. Harry and his friends went overboard last chapter, but it is fiction. I doubt that things would go as smoothly if it wasn't. I hope a week was a long enough time for you to cool down and read the next chapter.

**Serpent91**: Thank you! I was nervous about uploading chapter 7, so I'm very happy to know that at least one person liked it.

**LemonDropsWoolSocks**: Yeah, if the twins can get the queen's address, they can do anything. Severus should have no doubts whatsoever about the Facebook scam. Thanks for the review!

**anime-fan-ftw**: Thanks! Crayola has the power to do anything! Personally, I hope somebody uses Crayola to destroy math. That would make my life so much easier. Anyways, I wanted to thank you for writing me such a nice review!

**Bakanika**: Don't worry. Harry will never be able to get rid of chemistry for good, so life will continue as normal. I'm not in the least bit upset with your critique. I understood that it would get some mixed reviews. As for BBC Sherlock, I didn't know that it was so popular! I just came across one day when I was on a hunt for all things Sherlock and found it on Netflix. I've tried to get more people to watch it, but they're all against the whole idea of a modern Sherlock.

**Lady DestinyHope**: No, Severus doesn't know what he's in for at all. Harry will need a miracle worker if he wants to pass organic chemistry. Thanks for the review!

**Misa-chan96**: I only write happy endings, so I promise you that they will get back together. Thanks for the review!

**Pegaz**: Don't you just hate exams? They stress me out. Anyways, thanks for all of your lovely compliments!

**Simply Alex**: Yes, it will be interesting to see how the tutoring will work. Maybe the ninjas will have mercy and actually try to bring them back together?

* * *

><p>Harry wasn't exactly sure how he should preceed. He had finished his classes for the day and was now hovering in the doorway to Severus's room, debating on how he should approach the dark-haired man. After everything that had happened, it was more than likely that Severus was angry and completely fed-up with Harry and his friends. Maybe an apology would be the best way to start.<p>

"Make a decision," Severus said suddenly, causing Harry to start.

"How did you know that I w–," he started.

Severus sighed. "Are you coming in or are you staying out, Potter," the older man asked gruffly. "We all know that you have issues with doors, but I'm fairly sure that this one is safe."

Still thrown off, Harry tried to organize his thoughts. He would start with a sincere apology, explain what happened with Facebook, beg for Severus's forgiveness, and then end it all with a hot, make-up make-out session (hopefully). Just as he opened his mouth to say sorry, Severus turned around to face Harry, and Harry was struck again by how attractive the guard was, especially in white v-neck t-shirt and a pair of jeans…

"Um, I wanted to say sorry about…the sheets," Harry apologized, feeling pressured to say something with Severus glaring at him so intently. "I know that you hate red, so pink is probably guilty by association."

"Are you trying to be clever, Potter," Severus wondered. "Because if you are, I suggest that you quit this idle chitchat and open up your textbook for once."

"Damn those bloody jeans," Harry cursed softly as he shuffled into the room.

Two minutes had barely based and he'd already botched his plan. It figured. In fact, Harry wouldn't be surprised if the Ninjas had sewed together the denim themselves. They were purposely trying to distract him from having any sort of success in his personal and academic life.

Taking off his backpack, Harry tried to convince himself that working on chemistry would actually be a good thing. Carbon monoxide and oxygen have never killed anyone, right? Besides, the tutoring meant that Severus and Harry had to be near each other. That was a definite plus.

Reluctantly, Harry slowly removed a thick, teal textbook from his bag, lifting it up as if he was handling an unstable explosive. The book's ridiculously heavy weight made it an unexpected weapon, and it seemed to have something against Harry's toes and fingers. Eventually, the vindictive text made it's way over to Severus's hands.

"Careful," Harry warned. "It bites, squashes, and smothers."

Judging by the look on the other man's face, Harry gathered that his advice would go unheeded.

"So, what part don't you understand," Severus asked roughly, flipping through the pages of the textbook.

"I get lost after the table of context," Harry replied honestly.

The chemistry tutor's eye twitched, although Harry didn't quite understand why. The college student had made it clear from the very start that he and chemistry were incompatible. Chemistry spoke another language, actually enjoyed Professor Malvado's company, and spent romantic evenings on the beach with the Periodic Table. Harry didn't understand Chemistry, and Chemistry didn't understand Harry. It was a hate-hate kind of relationship. Had Severus really forgotten that?

"And what grade do you have right now," the guard inquired.

Harry puckered his lips. "A D minus," he grumbled.

Severus blinked several times before saying anything. "You're hopeless" was the final conclusion.

* * *

><p>"Which of the following molecules and ions are nucleophilic?"<p>

"Floride."

"I haven't even listed the options yet, Potter!"

"Nitrogen."

"Have you even heard a word I've said?"

"Carbon…"

Severus sighed heavily. "Here are the options: CH4, H20, BH3, Br+, NH3, and Br-."

"That's a trick question."

"No, Potter, it's actually pretty straightforward. In fact, you should have been able to give me an answer by now."

Harry rolled his eyes. They had been at this tutoring thing for two hours now, and the future doctor had yet to show any signs of improvement. Severus would summarize a chapter in the book and then ask Harry a few questions. Harry would close his eyes, point to a random spot on his periodic table handout, and callout whatever element his finger so happened to choose. When he was wrong (which was 95% of the time – yes, he was keeping track), Severus would insult his intelligence, which actually wasn't entirely fair. What Harry's finger did had nothing to do with the size of Harry's brain, his IQ, or the quality of his secondary education, though Severus begged to differ.

"Is there anything about chemistry that you _do_ know," Severus asked.

"I know that our chemistry is messed up," he stated.

"Very good. So how long did it take your finger to figure that one out?"

Harry crossed his arms. "I figured it out on my own," he claimed.

"Let's move on to chapter seven," Severus suggested.

"No, we need to talk about what happened with Draco," Harry countered.

Slamming the textbook closed, Severus turned so that he was glaring directly at the younger man. "I didn't fly down here to talk about you and Flake-Oh."

"Really? Then why did you fly down here?" Severus hesitated. "Did you really come here just because you were afraid of being called a pedophile?"

With a sharp inhale, the guard looked like he was mentally preparing himself for something. "If you must know, there was this idiotic mutt that happened to be guarding beside me the day we first met. He claimed that you were some 'innocent, underage kid' who was only flirting with me because you were drunk or on a dare. According to that idiot, I was 'taking advantage' of you. He's been complaining about it everyday since. It was already bad enough as it was what with him spreading rumors around the Palace. If he ever got his filthy hands on any photo evidence to support his ridiculous claim, he'd get me fired before I even got the chance to defend myself. He's absolutely unbearable. In fact, he reminds me of you at times."

Harry could see why his boyfriend was annoyed with his coworker, but he couldn't help but relate to the other guard. "I don't know, maybe he is just a protective kind of person," the college student suggested.

"Black doesn't even know you," Severus pointed out.

Harry shrugged, mentally filing the name 'Black' away for future investigations. "Well, you don't have to worry about him now."

Severus nodded his head slowly. "You're right. I traded in a mangy dog for an aggravating, blonde ferret."

It was now time for Harry to take a big breath. "You know, none of this is really Draco's fault. Ron's brothers, Fred and George, changed my Facebook page without telling either of us about it. And the only reason he even participated in Hermione's tutoring plot was because he was convinced that you didn't even exist."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Only someone as daft as you would miss the obvious fact that he fancies you."

There was nothing Harry could do to stop himself from laughing. Draco interested in him? "Only someone as clueless as you would miss the obvious fact that Draco is asexual."

The chemistry enthusiast snorted. "I'm sure."

"It's the truth! He says that no girl or boy that he has ever met has every lived up to any of his standards, so he declared himself asexual until his 'Dracarina' appears. That's what I've decided to call his mysterious partner, anyways. I imagine her as a short blonde from a private college who has a summer home in the Hamptons. But, let's be serious. Do you honestly think he'd go for a guy who wears sweatpants?"

That question seemed to realize the logic behind Harry's reasoning. "No, I suppose not," he admitted reluctantly.

"So, will you forgive me and my mates now?"

Severus smirked, and Harry just knew that he was going to have to do something more to earn the man's forgiveness. "Only if you can answer my question correctly."

"H20, NH3, and Br-," Harry answered without hesitation.

"Lucky guess," Severus mumbled. "Back to work!"

(Somewhere in the shadows, a ninja died.)

* * *

><p>"We've been at this for six hours, Sev," Harry complained. "I can't take this anymore! I need a break."<p>

Severus waved his hand around the room as if to remind him of where they were. After the three-hour chemistry review session in his flat, Harry decided that he had to do something, anything to make it stop. Remembering the man's addiction to coffee, he suggested that they make a quick trip to Starbucks. Fortunately, Severus gave in rather quickly. Unfortunately, he brought Satan's spawn (i.e. Harry's chemistry book) along, demanding that Harry carry it on their way over to the coffee shop. By the time they walked under the green awning, Harry's pointer finger was bleeding and there were three dents in his trainers. Sadly, his iced peppermint white chocolate mocha did little to help the pain, and the continued tutoring only made it worse.

"If I see another hydrogen, I'm going to be sick," he whined, banging his head against the café table.

"We haven't even gotten to chapter nine yet," Severus said.

"But my head hurts," Harry countered.

"Well if you stopped slamming it against hard objects, maybe it wouldn't," the guard snapped, frustrated with his lazy tutee.

"I think I want a chocolate croissant," Harry said randomly.

"If you think that I'm going to pay for your frozen candy cane drink _and_ your chocolate croissant, you are sorely mistaken."

Pouting, the broke college student looked down at his empty mug and felt filled with a sense of sadness and regret. Had he known that he would be limited to one menu item, Harry would have taken much smaller sips. The chocolate had kept his headache away and had given him an excuse not to answer a question. If ever Severus asked something too complicated, he would just chug of part of his mocha and swallow slowly. In the end, Severus would get too impatient to wait for an answer and would switch to a different question. Now he had to face chemistry without any chocolate strategy to rely on. There was no hope.

"How did your espresso taste," Harry tried.

"What is the molecular formula of they hydrocarbon I just described," Severus asked, not even bothering to acknowledge Harry's question.

The brunette sighed. "C5H12," he replied after a moment of thought.

"Correct. What is its IUPAC name for it?"

(A second ninja died.)

"OMAN," he answered.

"OMAN," Severus repeated.

"Yeah. We were missing an O and a Man. IUPAC needs OMAN to become IOUPACMAN."

(The ninja was mysteriously revived.)

Severus sat back in his metal chair. "Clearly, caffeine does something horrible to your infinitesimal mind."

"Clearly, Mrs. Pacman needs to be worried about her husband. Mr. Pacman has some explaining to do. Who owes him? Is C5H12 some kind of codename? Should we be looking for a woman? A man? Is Mr. Packman gay? These are the questions that we should be asking, Severus, not questions about elements and compounds. Pacman is an international icon, and people would want to know Pacman's real sexual identity."

The chemistry tutor didn't seem to see the urgency of the Pacman situation. "You need to see a psychologist...desperately"

"No, I desperately need a chocolate croissant."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to tell me that chocolate will make you sane again? Trust me, you're sanity is gone for good. I don't know when it disappeared, but I can guarantee you that it is never coming back again. At best, the psychologist might be able to prescribe you some drugs to help. Strangely, something tells me that even medicine can't help you, Potter."

"This isn't about me, Severus. Mr. Pacman might not ever come back to Mrs. Packman if he runs off with his lover. We should help her investigate. Doesn't she deserve to know the truth?"

"Chemistry, Potter," the guard scolded lightly. "At this rate, you're going to end up going to summer school."

"At the very least, I think that _I_ deserve to know the truth."

Closing the textbook, Severus gave Harry his full attention. "What exactly do you want to know? Yes, I saw Pacman leave the Residential Inn with a green ghost. Is that good enough for you?"

"I want to the real reason why you decided to leave work, jump on a flight, and come all the way here to help me. I believe that you didn't want to get in trouble with the Queen, but I'm sure you could have convinced them that it was all some kind of prank. Besides, you don't even like your job."

"Well aren't you presumptious."

Harry started a list, using his fingers to keep track of all the items. "You hate working with Black, you don't have any connection with your other coworkers, you hate having to stay silent in front of annoying tourists, and you would much rather be spending your time writing chemistry articles than standing in one spot all day. If losing your job wasn't that big of a deal in the first place, you had no reason to fly here. So tell me what made you accept the offer?"

Something flashed across Severus's eyes, but it disappeared too quickly for Harry to decipher. "There's no simple answer to that question, Potter," he replied.

Harry frowned. "Maybe I don't need want a simple answer."

Looking down at his green cup, Severus avoided eye contact with his tutee. "Somewhere along the lines, I think I lost my sanity, too."

The brunette tilted his head to the side. Severus was insane? Was that what happened to people who studied chemistry? That would explain so much. Harry had always said that Professor Malvado should be sent to the loony bin. This just proves it.

"You see, even after I thought my boyfriend was messing around with some stupid blonde and even after he and his friends blackmailed me, I found that I was still in love with him. Obviously, that makes no sense whatsoever. He makes random references to video games and writes me crappy letters. He doesn't understand a word of chemistry and has a strange chocolate addiction. We haven't seen each other in weeks, and he likes the color red. I hate the color red. Hate it!"

The college student couldn't believe what he was hearing. All this time Harry had assumed that the guard would be too mad at him to consider anything beyond friendship, and here he was saying that he loved him. This talented, intelligent, sarcastic, and handsome man loved him despite all of the mess Harry had dragged him through. It was unimaginable. It was unthinkable. It was insane.

"I hate it. Do you hear me, Potter," Severus questioned, his cheeks red and his fists clenched in anger.

"I know, I'm really sorry about the blackmail. I just didn't want to see you leave," Harry said. "I want you to stay with me forever."

Caught off guard, the older man tried to cover up his surprise with humor. "In Starbucks?"

Harry laughed just because he could. The man he fancied fancied him back. To be frank, Harry wanted to do a lot of things. He wanted to laugh, smile, cry, run around in circles, and but three – no make that four – chocolate croissants. But most importantly, he wanted to make sure that the amazing man before him never got away again.

"No, stay with me in the flat," he clarified.

The older man grunted. "Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Potter. I'll just move in with Weasley and Granger because I'm sure they won't mind having an unemployed, ex-Buckingham Palace guard lounging on their sofa 24/7. Nevermind the fact that I intend on killing the both of those bloody criminal friends of yours and selling their stuff on HePays to payback O2."

Harry put both of his hands up to stop the man from going any further. Severus was being unrealistic, anyways. If he didn't even know Ebay's proper name, there was no way that his plot would work. "There is no need to resort to violence and murder. What if I told you that I had the answer to all of your problems?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "I'd run and warn God that he might have some competition."

Harry simply rolled his eyes and imagined his boyfriend's surprise once Harry's brilliant plan was revealed. Despite what was commonly believed, the brunette did have moments of pure ingenuiousness. It might only happen once a decade, but they were always worth the wait.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Harry and Severus are finally making some progress. I think I'm going to have one more chapter after this, and then the story will be complete.

OMG, people, I am not very smart. I uploaded this chapter onto Doc Manager, and I woke up this morning and was like "Uh oh, no reviews. They must have really hated this chapter." It took me a minute to realize that even though I uploaded the chapter, nobody could actually see it because I didn't officially add it to the story. Sorry for making you wait because of my stupid mistake!


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N**: "Flirting With Guard Number Three" is finally finished! I hope all of you enjoyed it! This last chapter is dedicated to everyone. ;)

**daemonkieran**: lol I'm not even sure how I came up with that pacman stuff, but I figured it would be something silly for Harry to say. I'm glad that you liked it.

**Tokugawa Blitzer**: I think there are too many ninjas for Harry to even count. Aww! You should have hope for Harry's plan. Hope you like this chapter!

**joytiger**: I'm glad that you thought chapter eight was funny! I can't imagine how difficult it would be for me to read a ff story in a different language, so I'm very happy that you decided to give my story a shot!

**Pegaz**: haha I really like the ninjas, too. Maybe somebody should write a side story from the ninja's point of view.

**danniperson**: Thanks for the brownies and cookies! They were absolutely delicious. I hope your brother wasn't too confused by your giggles.

**Lady DestinyHope**: I think that Harry might be having a mental breakdown because of chemistry, and the ninjas are his way of handling all of his stress and anxiety. In all reality, I'm not exactly sure why Harry is so obsessed with ninjas, either.

**MareG8**: Yep! You called it! Thanks for pointing out the error. I guess I was thinking so quickly that my fingers typed precede when my brain was thinking proceed. I have now fixed my mistake!

**sev's-sexy-mistress**: I have no clue where I come up with this stuff, but I am glad that it was funny enough to make you laugh. :)

**marksmom**: Thanks for reviewing! I guarantee you that Harry is more than aware that Severus has just confessed. Enjoy this chapter!

**ShadowsofaDarkSlytherin**: lol Yes. It is happy again. Will it end happily?

**sm1982**: Yes, it does seem as if Harry gets answers right when he realizes that he gain something by doing so. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

**kaja1234**: You guessed correctly the first time. I'm so happy that you liked Severus's confession. :)

**Luv 2 cry**: That's great to hear that you thought Severus's rant suited him. I was worried that it would be too OOC. Thanks for the review!

**Sithtar**: I'm glad that you stopped being angry after chapter 8. Please enjoy this next chapter!

**Hedwig-hoots**: Thanks so much! I'm happy that Severus confessed, too. Now Harry and Severus finally know that they love each other.

: haha I love all of your reviews. They always make me so happy! I really appreciate you writing a review for all of the other chapters. I totally wasn't expecting that. I know that you've sent me 2 other messages, but I will reply to those through private messaging if that is all right with you.

**Simply Alex**: Don't be sad! This chapter will be the chapter where everything finally comes together. I am just like you. I typically avoid reading ongoing stories (mostly because I want to be sure that the author will finish it before I get too attached), so I feel honored that you chose to read my story despite it being incomplete. Good guess about Harry's mysterious plans, by the way.

**Nocturnal Rose**: Thanks for reviewing! Please enjoy the final chapter!  
><strong>AlmondWithUnicornHair<strong>: Thanks! I warn you that you have not yet seen the last of Harry and his chocolate obsession. ;)

**Misa-chan96**: lol I'm glad that chapter 8 roused a "YIPPEE" out of you. I hope you're equally excited about chapter 9.

**Serpent91**: Thanks! I'm happy to hear that you liked it!

**LemonDropsWoolSocks**: That's a very good point. We only got to see Severus in his uniform for a short amount of time. That's kind of a bummer now that I think about it…Hope you enjoy chapter 9!

**Bakanika**: Yes, they are fine with the US version. I agree with you, though. The BBC one seems more natural. It's exactly how I would picture Sherlock behaving in the present times. The US version, on the other hand, has more action and violence than I think Doyle would approve of. Thanks for reviewing!

* * *

><p>"Have I ever told you how much I love you," Harry crooned softly.<p>

Harry saw Severus roll his eyes, but he was being serious. The love he felt was almost incomparable. So comforting, so sweet, always there when he needed help…What more could the brunette ask for?

"If you truly love your chocolate chip pancakes that much, Potter, you should probably stop suffocating them with syrup," Severus suggested as readjusted himself on the kitchen stool. "Personally, I don't care to clean up after our homicides, either."

Frowning, the college student looked down to inspect the condition of his breakfast. "What are you talking about? They're loving their bath," he claimed confidently, watching a brown flood rush over the edges of his pancake stack. "They're practically receiving spa services for free. Don't you see how happy they are?"

Severus lifted his head up to the ceiling and took a long breath. "There are moment when I wonder where my brain escaped to when I agreed to this ridiculous plan of yours," he mumbled, more to himself than to Harry.

Personally, Harry didn't understand why his boyfriend was complaining. Sure, many things had changed since their visit to Starbucks, but it had all been for the better. Eventually, the brunette had managed to convince Severus to stay in town with him. Against Hermione's suggestions, Harry flew back to Britain with Severus to help him pack up all of his things. It had been a short trip, yet the future doctor had really enjoyed himself. For one, he got to make a trip down to Molly's and got the guard to pay for 8 (yes, you read correctly) chocolate chip scones. It just so happened that the owner had been so pleased with the young man's chocolate appetite that she crowned Harry and Severus as honorary customers. Now, anyone who walked into the bakery would see a picture of a grinning foreigner clutching onto the arm of a brooding British man. The picture hung proudly behind the cash register, and Harry promised himself that he'd come back to the wonderful bakery very soon.

The packing itself had been fairly quick seeing as how the black-haired man had very few possessions. After that was finished, Harry accompanied his boyfriend to Buckingham Palace as he said goodbye to his superiors. While Severus was talking to them, Harry got the chance to meet Sirius Black, who turned out to be good company.

On the flight back, all they had were four medium-sized suitcases, three of which were filled with science texts. It was pitiful, if you asked Harry for his opinion. Three suitcases of chemistry magazines, biology journals, and physics textbooks? That was basically a decade's worth of military supplies for the Ninjas. In fact, when he offered to carry one of the bags, his hand had burned excruciatingly. Severus thought that he was being delusional, but Harry saw the burn for what it was: a sign of the Ninjas at work.

Before Harry knew it, the semester had come to an end. Severus had tried to help. He really had. It just seemed like the former guard's lips were a thousand time more important than classifying chemical reactions. With time, Severus realized that trying to get his boyfriend to see "reason" was hopeless, and he too gave in. For that reason, two very important things happened.

First, Ron started getting uncomfortable walking into his flat and seeing his mate snogging Severus every day after school. He had also become convinced that his laundry flaws were not his fault but rather the fault of the apartment building's laundry machines. Now, Hermione and Ron were renting a flat five blocks away and still trying to figure out why the young man was so laundry-cleaning challenged.

The move had been bittersweet. On one hand, all of Severus's devilish textbooks had been moved out of Harry's room, which meant that he could now sleep soundly without any nightmares. On the other hand, Harry would really miss having his two mates around. Without Hermione and Ron, there would be no more pink sheets, no more midnight runs to the grocery store to restock after Ron's "snacks," and no more complaints from Draco who now felt as if the flat was an extension to his own. The only thing that really stayed constant was The Dreaded Room. While there was no long annoying giggles coming from the bedroom, it was still a place to be avoided. Severus had renovated the room and converted it into his own personal laboratory. Even though Harry had yet to step a foot inside, he pictured various spider webs decorating the corners, a wall lined with bookshelves, a lab table holding blazing Bunsen burners and toxic concoctions, and an unconscious Frankenstein restrained in a wooden chair (those groans had to be coming from somewhere…). It was basically the Ninja's utopia and Harry's purgatory.

The second important thing that resulted from Harry's snogging sessions was his less than spectacular grades. As Severus had predicted, Harry had royally failed his final organic chemistry xame, consequently failing the entire course. It had been a big blow to the brunette who had still hoped to pass the class with a C-. Thankfully, others had also struggled with the mysterious language of chemistry, and the university had announced an intensive organic chemistry class that would be offered to students over Spring Break. At first, it felt like a Godsend.

Now, Harry wasn't too sure. He was going to get back his midterm today, and he was extremely nervous, hence the chocolate chip pancakes.

"I don't know why you keep doing this, Potter," Severus admitted. "You do this every time. When will you realize that chocolate cannot fix all of your problems? You were born with an impeccably small cranium, and chocolate can't help it grow. The quicker you accept this, the easier it will be for you to move on."

Harry rolled his eyes, figuring that Severus was just annoyed because he had had to wake up early and make the pancakes himself. The man could complain all he wanted about Harry's love for chocolate, but he was just as guilty for feeding Harry's addiction. When Harry needed his chocolate fix, Severus always had a stash of Snickers at hand. When Harry went to bed feeling anxious, he would wake up in the morning to a plate of chocolate chip pancakes. Why was the former guard doing all of this? Because NOBODY wanted to see Harry during his moments of chocolate withdrawal. To put things simply, he turned into a different man.

"Without chocolate, we might not have gotten together," Harry argued.

"And how did you reach that absurd conclusion?"

"If you hadn't bought me that scone, I probably wouldn't have stayed at Molly's to talk with you."

Severus laughed. "Don't kid yourself, Potter. You stood in front of Buckingham Palace for hours trying to make me say or do something. There is no way that you would have left the café just because you didn't have your precious scone."

Harry shook his head in disagreement. "I didn't know who you were then, so that doesn't count."

The older man smirked. "Really? Because I think you're just naturally attracted to me." He leaned in closer and captured Harry's eyes.

"Are you flirting with me," the brunette asked hesitantly.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Oh, how could I have forgotten? You still think that flirting means telling random jokes to complete strangers."

The brunette pouted. "I hope you realize that you get _way_ too confident when you drink cappuccino."

The coffee addict smirked again.

* * *

><p>The brunette blinked at the paper in front of him. How in God's name did he end up with a -15 out of 100? Was that even possible?<p>

"Draco, what the bloody hell is this," Harry questioned in fury, glaring at the young man standing at the front of the room.

The Teacher's Assistant raised a waxed eyebrow. "What? You were wearing corduroy pants last Wednesday. Did you honestly expect to get away with that without any kind of punishment," the blonde asked with a snort. "Don't be so naïve."

Harry was outraged! Draco had been his friend. In the past few weeks, he had stopped by their flat countless time, claiming Severus's unused closet as his own and redecorating their living room to meet his standards. Had Harry complained about Draco's invasion of privacy? No. He just stuffed a Milky Way into his mouth and tired his best to get out of the fashion diva's way. What use would there be in arguing with Draco in his flat when he'd just have to face him in class the very next morning? This was his last chance to pass organic chemistry and stay on track, so Harry had tried really hard not to upset the TA. And for what? He slips up one time, and the blonde has condemned him for life.

Realizing that Draco would have no sympathy for his case, he turned his head towards the professor. "Whawdxx," Harry growled, too upset to come up with legitimate words.

The professor looked up from the papers on his desk with his hands steepled. "I'm sorry, Mr. Potter. Does there seem to be a problem?"

"Yes, _Professor_," he hissed. "I studied for hours for this extended quiz."

"Don't you mean exam, Potter," the blonde teased.

Despite himself, his body froze up. The remaining students in the room fought to get out of the room. They'd all had classes with Harry before and were well aware of how…unstable the brunette got upon hearing that dreaded word. It was even worse than when he came to class without his M&M stash. As such, they scampered out of McWright Hall as fast as they could.

When the last student left, Severus spoke up once again.

"It is my suggestion that you study for another hour, then. Your score was the lowest of the class. If you want to pass this class, I highly recommend that you spend more time with your books. You are free to visit Draco's office hours if the material is too troublesome. He is a very intelligent and capable young man who will be more than able to answer any of your questions."

That was enough to make Harry snap out of his trance. "You didn't even want him around me until I brought him over to the flat," the brunette pointed out heatedly.

It was true, too. At the start, Severus had hated the blonde with a passion. Nonetheless, Harry had firmly believed that the two would get along if they just tried. And he had been right. After inviting Draco over for dinner one night, the former guard and the Hillbilly-hater became "mates." Essentially, Severus had learned to respect Draco, and Draco had come to terms with the fact that Harry's boyfriend was real. Before Harry knew it, the blonde had asked to assist Severus with his new class and the older man had accepted.

"I don't see how that is relevant," Severus drawled.

"Sev, I'm telling you that I really tried to do well, and I can't just sit back and let Draco sabotage my life over one fashion mistake!"

"Don't forget the blackmail," Draco added, nodding his head at the older man. "You threatened to expose him as a pedophile, in case you don't remember."

Oh. So that's how it was. Severus was a part of this, too. "You're in on this, too," he questioned for verification.

"I don't know what you are blabbering about, Mr. Potter," Severus replied unconvincingly.

"You know, I always thought it was too good to be true. How could you possibly forgive me and my friends that quickly? Have you been plotting this ever since I introduced you to the dean," he asked, clearly hurt by what he considered extreme betrayal. And then it suddenly dawned on him. "No, no. Severus, I don't know if you can hear me in there, but the Ninjas have taken over your body. Now don't panic. I've got this covered. I won't let those Ninjas take you away from me!"

As Harry started a slow advance towards the beginning the room, he saw the two other men exchange a look. Obviously, they were planning a counterattack, but this was one battle that Harry was not going to lose. He may not have ever read "Sherlock Holmes," but he had seen the movie adaptations enough times to have mastered Robert Downey Jr.'s skillful moves and advanced fighting techniques…or so he hoped.

"Harry," Severus said as the young man came closer. "Harry, I have not been possessed."

A manic laugh escaped from Harry's mouth. "You Ninjas are _full_ of lies," he spat, stopping to adopt an offensive fighting position.

"Potter, that is Severus," Draco said, rolling his eyes. "Bloody hell. If you can't remember to take your meds every morning…"

Harry narrowed his eyes at the blonde. "How do I know that you aren't one of them?"

"You're wearing your glasses, aren't you? Do you honestly believe that somebody could take over all of _this_," Draco bragged, gesturing to himself with his right hand.

The brunette shook his head. Nobody, no matter how hard they tried, could ever be as cocky and self-confident as Draco Malfoy – even if they did posses his body. "But how can you tell if Sev is really himself," he argued, curling his hands into fists.

"Show him the papers," Severus demanded, a hint of urgency in his voice as Harry got even closer.

"But we'll spoil all of the fun," the blonde whined. "I've been planning this all weekend."

"Draco, the papers!"

With a groan, the TA snatched a manila file folder from the corner of the professor's desk and tossed it at the brunette.

Again, Harry found himself struggling to come up with the proper words to express himself as he saw his real grade. "I can't…What? How? Where? Why? When? Who? W-what?"

"Articulate as always, Potter," Severus commented.

The brunette continued his incoherent ramblings as he took a seat.

"Come on, Potter. We don't have all day. I took the honors of organizing a party to celebrate your first A in chemistry," Draco said before noticing that Harry wasn't paying attention. "Potter, if we don't leave this very instant, the delivery man is going to return the _chocolate fountain_ back to the store."

That was enough to make Harry look over at the blonde. "But what are we going to do about _them_," he whispered, dropping his head to stare down at the ground.

Draco and Severus shared another look of confusion. "About who," they both asked in unison.

"The Ninjas," he replied quietly, his eyes widening with glee. "I never knew there were so many."

The professor and TA tried to figure out what the student was seeing, but all they saw was an ugly tile floor. They could only imagine what was going on in Harry's mind.

"They are all gone now," the brunette continued, his shoulders relaxing and his heartbeat slowing down.

The Ninjas were dead; he was passing organic chemistry, and he was dating the man of his dreams. Harry couldn't recall a time where he had been any happier. And then he remembered...

"Wait a second. Did you say something about a chocolate fountain?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: It feels so good to have completed another ff story completed! I hope that I disappointed none of you with my ending. I doubt that I will write another story in the near future, but I do have some ideas for story ideas that I might post online for others to use.

Also, somebody told me that thought it was annoying having to scroll through all of the replies to people's comments. If any of you felt the same way, please let me know. As a solution to the problem, I am considering just listing all of the reviewers for each chapter and leaving out my replies. I just wanted to show publicly how much I appreciate all of my reviewers and care about what they think.

I'll miss all of you guys! Thanks so much for reading my story!

Marginal Benefits


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